Continuation of the Angry Button.

I’ve spent a couple days mulling over my angry button. I am starting to lean to the idea he can ask me to be skinner. If you did not read the last post here is a quick review: I don’t like my body is inadequate for my husband, I want him to like looking at me. So I am going to hash it out some more.

Men are different than women. He is 5’5,  over weight, his hair is terrible, he sports some raging eyebrows, and has fuzz all over his body. I have never viewed him as ugly. We got married when, I believe, he was at his heaviest. Almost 300 lbs he had hair just past shoulder length, chipmunk cheeks, and a funny walk. But he was my husband. I had a husband and he was connected to me, he was mine and I thought the world of him. He would have to pick up his stomach and lay it on me to do missionary- and I never thought that was awful, I KNEW it would be awful if I shamed him over it so I didn’t.

I am starting to believe he is ugly after seeing his heart this last year. After he manipulated and forced and tried to fool me to get out of fights or commitments… I have no words. I’m broken over it. Why would my husband be so mean to me? He admits he was mean now that the fight is mostly over. Before this bitter war hiss shoulders were sexy cause I could lay my head there. His beard stubbed neck was handsome because I would nestle there when we hugged. His mouth was defined for how he said my name. His hair was soft and he purred with I twisted my hands in it. His body was perfect because he used it as a lover to me. Then this year he used his arms to confine me. He used his mouth to say my name like it was curses from a pit of infection. He used his body to make mine bled. I am different from my husband I thought he was lovely because I thought his heart was lovely.

Men are different. they place more value on the visual. He sits down to dinner and complements what is seen before him. He can’t find things that he cannot see. If its covered up or in a drawer the man is freaking lost. He see chores that are out like mowing, but misses hidden ones like paying bills. One things my husband  uses is a mile marker is if I smile and how long I smiled and what kind of smiles. That sounds corny but he will.  If we talk he will say I saw a lovely smile because I cleaned the drain, or I don’t know what happened I caught a mischievous smile in the hallway earlier. He does not judge my words. I can tell him over and over I HATE THAT YOU DO X, but if he thinks I smiled about X he will re-question if my words were sincere. I do believe Men are visual.

So here is what I’m coping with (deep breath). He can ask me to be skinner. He is not ill willed but selfish. His world is visual and our society is very tempting. He has had a habit of looking at models daily. I pray God is working on his heart because even if I’m skinner and dressed better 50 is coming and I am not doing Botox till I die. He is gonna have to be content at some point. Thus being said. I want his heart to change. I am not ill willed but selfish. My world is heart driven and our society is very lacking. Women can’t seem to find a good man anywhere. All the men are falling into temptation. There are so few that say no. I want him to be able to say no to temptations dripping in honey. I want him to be truthful. I want him to fight for the injustices of others, be selfless and sacrificial. I want him to change not just for now but till he dies. I want him to be committed to me as his wife. I want him to give up his selfish living and just try out a marriage of teamwork and jointly won fights.

Women think it is horrible for a man to ask us to tweak our visual appeal, but a man takes it deeply that we do not appreciate the person they are.  Most women understand self help and a need to keep improving the person inside, men take this harder. This helps me. He has told me several times I have a nice face, good shoulders, nice legs, but the middle is just not the best right now. This infuriates me. I just had a third  human crawl out of my stomach just over a year ago!! Of course it kinda looks like an empty hacky-sack! Growl! Bark! Scratch! But he does the same. I can tell him he’s a good dad, I’m glad he does a good job at work, he just sucks at solving problems at home which I feel is reasonable to say-because its true. !! he’s thinking the same thing!! Its reasonable to tell me I’m fat because its true. So I joined a gym yesterday. The button is not gone but I’m working on it.

 

Continuation of the Angry Button.

This particular button

I had reread my ‘Fine.Whatever’ post and became frustrated with it. That post sounded weak. My husband typed something insignificant and it made me deeply angry. I had  read a book early in our fight last year called, “From Anger to Intimacy” by Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham. It talked about buttons that initiate anger in others or yourself. I came to the decision the last post really was not about the issue of what my husband said. It was a button he was touching. A button that I am not attractive to him. A button that makes me feel rejected and unwanted.

 

Today I want to examine this button. I didn’t have it till I was married. I had always said my goal was to eat whatever I wanted because I was going to be whomever i wanted. I dressed how I wanted, I never cared what others thought I looked like and I loved the person I was inside. Then my husband and I got married and he rejected me or I felt that he rejected me. Thus my fear of being unattractive to my lover is born. I’m coming to terms with the idea he does not feel like he rejected me. He had a habit of porn. He did not appreciate our sex, he panicked that he was no longer a bachelor and tried to revive those feelings with dating sites and fantasizing of others. He views those things as selfish unaware actions. He viewed me as his best friend and his statement is he would never never get a divorce, he wanted me in the marriage- he just wanted everything else too.

 

To me that made me feel rejected, unwanted, used, dirty, and ugly- and he agrees if I had done porn, dating sites, and telling him about my fantasies of other people to him he would have felt the same. Thus bore the button. A dangerous button that I might be obsessed with. My husband cannot talk about any woman without my ears perking and all my gears in my brain slowing to focus. The message must be deciphered. Is he stating she is more attractive than me? He cannot say nice things without me wondering if there is alternative motive. Or but…you would look nicer if…  How did this button get so important? It was born out of carelessness but  fed by my husband’s actions and inaction. I often found him looking at other women but he also never talked about us. He didn’t say how he was attracted to me or what my value was in his life.

Also we did not have a sex life. I felt like this was a huge part. Here I am married to a porn addict. He is looking at dating sites, he is flipping around in the isle of Walmart to look at some other lady and we have no sex life. Isn’t he craving sex at every turn but yet I lay barely clothed in bed and he won’t do anything with me? Before we were married we had a fantastic relationship. We went out to movies, did our college homework together, cooked together, saw friends together, and rocked the bed in every way but sex. We had both agreed to save sex for marriage but we were pressing up against that line pretty hard. And we didn’t just rock the bed, we rocked the back of the car, the floor, the couch, etc. Every time everybody else left we would have “coffee” the code word for naked time. He never minded my body then. We laughed and tried anything together and I had no fear of rejection.

A couple days ago we were talking about this I don’t have any idea why we had such a good dating life then the minute we said vows it turned into such a mechanical monster. He agreed to think more about it, he says he doesn’t understand it either. I can make speculations, but there are so many things I don’t understand on his side yet. It has to have something to do with how broken his mind was about sex. So in this conversation a couple days ago he said something that has had me thinking. Our sex life was terrible. I bet we hadn’t had sex 20 times until we had been married for 5 years. Why when he was craving it so hard would he have nothing to do with me? Which is not the way I worded it to him, I asked him why didn’t he find me attractive? He use to get in the shower and masturbate to other women and then get out and tell me about these women in his head and how frustrated he was that he could not deal with this habit! It was infuriating to my brain, my wife brain exploded. Why were those other women so much more attractive to him? I ask him this. He studders and shrugs, he struggles and says that he didn’t always masturbate over other women, sometimes about me. I had never never never thought this. Never.

He had always explained his actions as guilt. He often. OFTEN, told me about his masturbation or porn, etc  to confess his guilt. He felt guilty and would admit to me his wrong-doings and then do the same thing the next day. I sunk, I felt worthless, I felt raw, I felt alone, I felt angry. Maybe if he confessed and changed his ways I would have felt differently or maybe not felt these emotions so deeply, but he confessed as a way to empty the icky feelings out of his hands, squarely dumping the icky feelings into my lap so he could skip away sin free. The worse feeling was the angry, which he never allowed. The anger was sin, here he was confessing to me and for me to be angry at him was misplaced. That made me feel confused, frustrated and more angry. It was not until we went to Retrouvaille this last August that he finally understood that I needed to be able to communicate my feelings, even my anger.

But if I forget the injustice brought to me for awhile I am starting to see maybe this was an out of control hamster wheel for him. He did have a habit that started when he was 12. He did have porn expectations for sex that are as ridiculous as women having Disney princess expectations for marriage. Of course your man will sense all your deepest feelings then  lead you to a happier understand of them and of course know how to dance. And your women will always eagerly have 20 minute worth of hard sex with you that starts with a blow job and ends with cum all over her face. This is not reality. He didn’t know how to cope with life. Every time anything went badly he masturbated. If we disagreed, if he felt he failed. It was a simple way for him to feel good again. He never had to come to me and ask for sex, he never had to practice relationship skills. He never risked anything. Maybe he did like us. Maybe he did find me attractive, but to have sex is a hard thing to navigate. He didn’t want to give up that control. He also masturbated and watched porn like a smoker. You know how a smoker have to have a cigarette as soon as they hit certain events in their day. Breakfast, in the car, every break, every time they arrive somewhere or leave somewhere, etc. I now believe my husband was the same way. Before we had married he had chosen not to have a computer at his house but had porn at the computers at school. He had porn at the computers at work. I hate to say I understand but I might to an extent. If I need to file taxes or be working on my bank statement but I want to look up a craft or cook something the idea of getting on Pinterest itches inside my head. I can justify it in a million different ways. A quick search will only take a second, no a fraction of a second. He had certain places and situations the habit was so ingrained he had a hard time not being sexual without me.

So my button. I get angry when I feel that I am being told, it is being applied, or I can assume that I unattractive to my husband. It was born from my husband selfish motives. It was cultivated with thoughtless inaction and painful actions between us. Why does it have to matter any more?  I have never believe that my appearance should be who I am. I am an artistic person. I am a problem solver. I am a mother. I aim to be a teacher to those kids.I hope to be a nurturer again, that parts kind of broke right now. I feel like I am a fun person. I want to better other people’s lives, I want to add to people’s understanding of God. I have goals, standards and structure to my days. I believe firmly in my king and savior Jesus Christ. I believe Lord God is a good father. That matters. So I have stretch marks and I weight 170? In front of no-one do I feel fat. I have a pooch when I sit, but I feel unphased by anyone else s eyes. It matters that I be attractive to my husband lusts. I feel like a part of marriage is to cool each others lusts and neither of us have either done that for each other. I always go hungry and he always is pining after porn and women outside of us. Should he be able to ask me to be thinner? It makes me think he has an appearance in my head he wants from me or doesn’t want for me. He should view me as an image bearer of God. The same thing I am to view him as. That he should only correct me in ways that bring more Godliness to me and my family. That’s unrealistic. We are all human sinners so maybe he should be able to ask me to be thinner, ugh.

Growl. I’m struggling with this, and probably will for awhile. What should he have done? What did I want him to do and expect from him: I wanted him to love me as who I am and what I look like regardless. To be happy I am his wife, flaws and all. I wanted him to communicate this to me in words and actions of pursuit.  But this didn’t happen. He isn’t happy with my body. My middle to be exact. I feel fine with my own middle. I’ve had three kids, one of them 15 months old. I feel like I didn’t do too bad. But he wants a model. I want to remain anonymous otherwise I would post pictures. I feel like I can rock it if I want and he is kinda being a bitch. What does he want? Everything. I don’t feel like is a mean comment. most  do want everything and the porn has taught people are things while the internet, tv, and movies has communicated that we should have everything. He wants someone to clean the house, teach the kids, mow the lawn, and a double D plastic trip model to stand at the end of the bed naked with a glass of wine to rub his feet while he masturbates because I think that is more fulfilling for him. If you don’t believe it look up affects of porn on this generation, its devastating. Or if you are a porn watcher answer this question- why after that guys screws the double D plastic trip model for 20 minutes (wouldn’t most men explode like after 20 seconds with some of those beautiful women making all those noises?) does he still have to orgasm himself with his own hand? he’s desensitized. He has had so much sex that is what it takes to finally get an orgasm. That’s messed up. I’m sorry, when I’m 80 I want my 80 year old partner to be able to say something dirty and me to be all revved up. I hope I’m simple till I die.

I may think about my button more tonight. It seems like lots of women have this button. I saw a post about how stupid it is this girlfriend is jealous the boyfriend looks at other women. The issue probably isn’t shes jealous, the issue is probably more she doesn’t understand her place in his life. She doesn’t feel him as committed and if he was actually committed he probably wouldn’t be looking. But I do think if without a double I knew my husband was acting for us, working to build us up, and striving for our family to grown I wouldn’t be as nervous he might have looked.

 

 

 

This particular button

I need to change MY thinking

UUUGHGGHH! I just need him to understand HE IS wrong!! 😄 . I wanted to write this post yesterday and couldn’t focus on the idea of thinking better of my f r e a k i n g husband… Which I think shows more flaws in me.  You mean God has a plan and a way that I can think better of Ass holes, murders, and liers? No thank you. They deserve my wraith. (sigh) I might be more heathen than I want to think. Thank you Lord God Almighty for Jesus.

I knew I needed to look at him differently. See him as a sinner. Just like me, no sin is different- taking a candy out of Grandma’s glass bowl after being told no still cost the same punishment as gambling your families youngest brother for money. Eternity in hell. But he is supposedly saved, my husband. So what do I care? He isn’t going to hell. I see him as a Christian brother that needs to be convicted of his SIN (*hallelujah! Amen Sister*). I NEED him to understand he is going against   GGOODD!

Anyway, I read some stuff and got my thoughts straightened out. Knocked off my righteousness really. This is a good read, I struggle with the pure life people because they seem so very cold to the victims but, again I maybe wrong.The article is very short, please read the original (its link is below the quote).

So much of the help for wives available today focuses upon how they should erect boundaries to protect themselves from their husbands’ sin. And, kept in its proper place, this kind of teaching can be helpful. But my concern is that the underlying principle leads a woman to believe that protecting herself is the most vital issue involved. Are we becoming so wrapped up in self-preservation that we can no longer look outside ourselves at the very deep spiritual needs of others? Are we allowing temporal happiness to take precedence over the possibility of eternal damnation?

-Kathy Gallagher, pure life ministries

http://www.purelifeministries.org/blog/when-a-betrayed-wife-protects-herself

So I got humbled. I guess I’ve always been on the fence about once saved, always saved. I mean wasn’t Hitler a professing Christian?? Maybe it isn’t that people revert from saved to unsaved, but they were never really saved in the first place. I believe if you really understand your salvation you WILL change. I don’t think you have to do works to be saved, but if you aren’t it probably is a sign that your not saved. Works being-  not going against the 10 commandments, trying to act out the golden rule to strangers and people close to you, being honestly retentive when you do screw up, just a non entitled, unselfish, humble attitude. Cause really, you just got forgiven all your sin debts. I think I am a little in Awe of that.

The Pure Life article brought up, if your husband is acting like a royal douchbag (not a quote), he maybe cruising the highway to hell. He is not showing any respect for the sacrifice God gave to him, not listening to God’s guidance, or treating people with any sort of dignity maybe he isn’t saved. You may sit next to him a church, or pray with him at night but there are lot of Bible verse about understanding a persons heart by the fruit they produce.

There was this verse in Romans. Romans is still very difficult for me to understand:

 

Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.

You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. 10 But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life[d] because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of[e] his Spirit who lives in you.

12 Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. 13 For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.

Romans 8:5-12

Whoa, I may need to read some commentary on that one.

Having fleshly desires proves you will not receive salvation? Or the mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God? I’ve been hostile to God. I don’t want to do what I am suppose to Do. Then there is Luke 3: 8-9.

Luke 3:8-9

“Therefore bear fruits in keeping with repentance, and do not begin to say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham for our father,’ for I say to you that from these stones God is able to raise up children to Abraham. “Indeed the axe is already laid at the root of the trees; so every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.”

I understand this was directed at the Jews explaining to them that they needed more than their heritage to save them. But maybe the real truth is we all need to fear for ourselves and our families and friends may  not receive salvation.

Maybe I don’t need him to understand he’s wrong, but we both need to understand we maybe set apart from Christ If our fruits don’t show different.

I hope the next post to be about -what fruits?! Maybe tomorrow. Maybe not.

 

I need to change MY thinking

Help me God

All right. Here we go. (Deep breath). I need to confess some, major, issues in my personality. I have been struggling with my marriage since it started 11 years ago. My husband messes up and I yell, scream, and loose every ounce of cool I’ve ever been given.

To be fair. He doesn’t make it easy. He’s been a porn addict since he was 12 and has no reasonable expectation of women or sex. His mom left when he was 8 (?). He grew up with his brother and dad making him clueless on how to react to women.  which I feel is an excuse because, it’s not a bubble. You still run into girls at school or work or where ever. But his usually response would be categorize their reactions as unnecessary drama . It was nothing he had to deal with. This set the tone for how he would understand and cope with my day to day involvement in his life.

So I guess this blog is to journal through the healing that needs to take place after our fallout last year. My husband seems to be learning and applying but I am not. I cannot fathom why I would ever want to join him in marriage after he trashed us -again- and I know that is not what God wants. God hates divorce. God wants me to love my enemies. God wants good for me, and I can feel it. I can feel there will be great good if I learn how to cope with this wound and forgive him again. But Lord God Father of my King Jesus there has got to be some major boundaries laid down before our marriage regains any sort of shape, ’cause right now its just a blood puddle in the cracks of the kitchen tile.

So I guess today I want to start looking at how God sees my husband and meditate on that. Hopefully that will be tomorrows entry. and if any of you are out there struggling to deal with what your marriage has turned into, I would love to know. ❤

Help me God