Protecting each other

Today is my husband and I’s Anniversary. It seems more victorious than normal. By all means we should not have made it. I couldn’t handle his lust for other women or the lies and craziness that he tried to cover his tracks with. On the same idea though, my husband was dealing with great guilt and habits he had never let go off before and I did not respect him. I yelled and threw things and told him how very much I HATED HIM.

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My understanding has grown and we’ve started to refer to these careless actions as strangling the others plant. Example, if my husband gets caught in something he feels ashamed for he will turn the guilt on to me. A couple weeks ago he had said we would go out on a date and to be truthful I was very excited. When the weekend came I had plans with my cousins on Friday and expected to go out with my husband that Saturday. Except he had not actually planned anything. He might have forgotten, but instead of quick slapping something together he turned it around. If  I  had not gone out on Friday, maybe his plans would not be ruined! In truth it had nothing to do with that and in the past I would have sat down with him and tried to figure out how I missed his heart.

This time I cut him off. No, he could not treat me that way. My emotions, my person is represented as a plant. Alive, unique, and fragile. Regardless of how I act my plant should be protected by a distance of things that are inappropriate to do-ever, but sometimes people believe if they are wronged well enough or things are not going the way they want it is okay to take the dome off the plant and strangle it to get the results wanted. My husband believe he could half-lie to me and manipulate the situation to be my fault to hide his guilt that he had not done what he said he would. That should never be alright. Those are actions that the dome around the plant should protect from, but he will often hurt my plant if it means protecting his own from shame of his own failure.

Another example. Any time my husband has acted unloving to me I ruin him because he deserves it. My husband came to me a couple days ago and explained to me that he ran into temptation at work and dealt with it instead of falling into it. He was so excited and victorious to be growing. I on the other hand, felt like my head slowly twisted 360°. What temptation? Another women? I geared up to fight. In the past I would have taken the protective dome off his plant because he needed to understand my pain. I would yell because that is what I grew up with. That was the best way to get any point across-yell louder. I cut him down because it’s the truth! I say mean things because he is being mean to me. I don’t respond to his attempts at peace because he has not done enough time in marriage purgatory to pay for his sin of unlove. This time  I understood the anger inside of me and went to the gym. I was so mad. He saw another women that tempted his affections but he barely gives any affections to me? I was heartbroken. I fumed on the tread miller. I went home still mad. Turns out the temptation was a magazine cover that he didn’t flip through. Stupid. I had imagined the worst and his comment was over a magazine. If I could slow my anger even more I would have been able to ask before I went to the gym.

But my temptation is to treat my husband with disrespect when he deserves it. He is made in the image of God. There is a bible verse in Jude1:9 about the archangel Michael disputing with Satan over Moses body and Michael does not disrespect Satan. Get it? Satan is not treated by God’s angels with disrespect. My husband is a son of God saved by Jesus. He never deserves disrespect. His soul(plant) needs to be treated with absolute respect in ever event. If he comes home next week and tells me he has had sex with his customer I need to have respect in my responds. I can be broken and sad. I can be angry but cannot sin in it. I can request and question but cannot name call or blame. I cannot yell. I cannot destroy his character.

Then what can I do? I can pray. I can get out of the house. I can find Christian fellowship. I can journal. I am still 100% myself. Write a list of how I believe I should act because a lot of times I am not proud of my actions after we fight. It’s better to make a clear least of how I believe I should act before entering into a conversation that tempts me to be disrespectful. Read. I can express my feelings quietly with truth. Anger is not a root emotion. Express sadness, express hurt, express injustice. write my expectations and how he deviated from it. I need to be able to affect his souls without violence, lies, emotional abuse, or yelling. The dome needs to stay firmly over his soul (plant).

These things are not easy for me. I hope in years I will be a better example of how to treat everyone with absolute respect. Please share your marriage stories with me! I would love to hear how everyone else is doing in keeping their vows to their spouse. Its ridiculously hard sometimes and we all need to stick together.

 

Protecting each other

Continuation of the Angry Button.

I’ve spent a couple days mulling over my angry button. I am starting to lean to the idea he can ask me to be skinner. If you did not read the last post here is a quick review: I don’t like my body is inadequate for my husband, I want him to like looking at me. So I am going to hash it out some more.

Men are different than women. He is 5’5,  over weight, his hair is terrible, he sports some raging eyebrows, and has fuzz all over his body. I have never viewed him as ugly. We got married when, I believe, he was at his heaviest. Almost 300 lbs he had hair just past shoulder length, chipmunk cheeks, and a funny walk. But he was my husband. I had a husband and he was connected to me, he was mine and I thought the world of him. He would have to pick up his stomach and lay it on me to do missionary- and I never thought that was awful, I KNEW it would be awful if I shamed him over it so I didn’t.

I am starting to believe he is ugly after seeing his heart this last year. After he manipulated and forced and tried to fool me to get out of fights or commitments… I have no words. I’m broken over it. Why would my husband be so mean to me? He admits he was mean now that the fight is mostly over. Before this bitter war hiss shoulders were sexy cause I could lay my head there. His beard stubbed neck was handsome because I would nestle there when we hugged. His mouth was defined for how he said my name. His hair was soft and he purred with I twisted my hands in it. His body was perfect because he used it as a lover to me. Then this year he used his arms to confine me. He used his mouth to say my name like it was curses from a pit of infection. He used his body to make mine bled. I am different from my husband I thought he was lovely because I thought his heart was lovely.

Men are different. they place more value on the visual. He sits down to dinner and complements what is seen before him. He can’t find things that he cannot see. If its covered up or in a drawer the man is freaking lost. He see chores that are out like mowing, but misses hidden ones like paying bills. One things my husband  uses is a mile marker is if I smile and how long I smiled and what kind of smiles. That sounds corny but he will.  If we talk he will say I saw a lovely smile because I cleaned the drain, or I don’t know what happened I caught a mischievous smile in the hallway earlier. He does not judge my words. I can tell him over and over I HATE THAT YOU DO X, but if he thinks I smiled about X he will re-question if my words were sincere. I do believe Men are visual.

So here is what I’m coping with (deep breath). He can ask me to be skinner. He is not ill willed but selfish. His world is visual and our society is very tempting. He has had a habit of looking at models daily. I pray God is working on his heart because even if I’m skinner and dressed better 50 is coming and I am not doing Botox till I die. He is gonna have to be content at some point. Thus being said. I want his heart to change. I am not ill willed but selfish. My world is heart driven and our society is very lacking. Women can’t seem to find a good man anywhere. All the men are falling into temptation. There are so few that say no. I want him to be able to say no to temptations dripping in honey. I want him to be truthful. I want him to fight for the injustices of others, be selfless and sacrificial. I want him to change not just for now but till he dies. I want him to be committed to me as his wife. I want him to give up his selfish living and just try out a marriage of teamwork and jointly won fights.

Women think it is horrible for a man to ask us to tweak our visual appeal, but a man takes it deeply that we do not appreciate the person they are.  Most women understand self help and a need to keep improving the person inside, men take this harder. This helps me. He has told me several times I have a nice face, good shoulders, nice legs, but the middle is just not the best right now. This infuriates me. I just had a third  human crawl out of my stomach just over a year ago!! Of course it kinda looks like an empty hacky-sack! Growl! Bark! Scratch! But he does the same. I can tell him he’s a good dad, I’m glad he does a good job at work, he just sucks at solving problems at home which I feel is reasonable to say-because its true. !! he’s thinking the same thing!! Its reasonable to tell me I’m fat because its true. So I joined a gym yesterday. The button is not gone but I’m working on it.

 

Continuation of the Angry Button.

Giving my problems to God

I’ve been journaling on my marriage woes since one week yesterday. I have to admit my thought was, our marriage healing would take years, and people need to understand how stupid hard this is. I’ve read and talk to other couples that have struggle through major marriage breaks. They all seem to say, ‘just do it’, ‘Forgive and move on’, ‘Give it to God’, and they all look …happy. Which is unbelievable to me. The one lady I spoke with, her husband had had two affairs that lasted years- But her and her husband seemed like a dream couple. My husband had thought over an affair and I feel like I’ve been shot.

The day he confessed it to me I blew up. Could not handle it. He said it was a customer and she had brushed up against him and it started the dreaming of having her in his bed. I could not understand. I know you are all reading rant after rant on this journal-blog thing thinking, yeah, he wants a different wife cause you are crazy. I really don’t act like I write. I feel like I am letting my deepest darkest thoughts out, because I wish I could find someone else doing the same. Spouting these same feeling so I wouldn’t feel crazy and demented. Maybe I will be that hope for someone else. Anyway. There were years that we had no sex. Years. I would go to bed with him naked and he would act on nothing. Those years I don’t know why I didn’t ask him for sex. I sure it was a hope he would show affection. He had said over and over how he was sexually obsessed with this girl I was friends with. He had porn and dating sites. He had spoke how he disliked my weight. I guess I hoped he would wanted me sexually, or at all.

But I still didn’t have to find out that he had been having sex with someone else for years. Those couples healed. On the idea of give it to God.  Raise of hands how many of you have any idea what that means? Anyone? Alright. I’ve wrestled, kicked, broke things over this one.

For awhile I would yell at my husband and then go pray that our marriage would get better then go yell at my husband some more. That did not seem to work. Although I would define that as I gave my problem to God. A friend told me that I laid my problem in God’s hand but took it back from Him. That took a while to understand. So run that scenario again, I yelled at my husband  and then go pray that our marriage would get better then stop fighting for my right because God is suppose to be taking care of it. (Insert nails on chalk board) This is the most infuriating moments. Trying to hold back my will and let God take care of things.

I believe in God, I believe God is involved in my life, I just WANT CONTROL. What if God lets him have the affair? what if I have to deal in this confusing mess of a marriage for YEARS? what if it doesn’t turn out like I want?

Then that isn’t the end of it. So I have to lay my problems in God’s hand and not take them back. Then the next step is to  make progress I need to follow God’s commands. I’m starting, very very slowly.

To understand this I will give an example. I want to Give my problem to my Mother.

“Dear mother I am broke all the time,” I pull my last five dollars from my pocket and show it to her.

Mother, “I care for you and will help you.”

“Thank you mother,” lay last $5 in Mothers out stretched hand…30 minutes later, “Mother can I have my money back I NEEEED coffee, the kids are driving me crazy”.

Mother, “No, you need to only buy necessities, put excess in the savings account, and priorities your wants and needs”.

“UGH you are so mean!!!” Me laying on the floor dying.

Mother,” I thought you wanted me to help”.

“Yes, but you are suppose to make it easy!!”

I would not talk to my mother that way on the fear of being disowned, but it seems like I tread God that way. I want him to fix it without much work on my part. Putting that to action seems so <HARD>.

This is my list of things I have been meditating on. Some are going better than others, and I wish I had Bible verse to them but I don’t:

  •  I need to view my husband as a human that could fall into hell just as we all can. I need to be more concerned with our eternal destination that my temporal comfort.
  • I need to speak and act respectfully, even if we disagree.
  • I need to treat him well if not for him, as worship to God and as a example for the kids.
  • i need not to yell, ever, to anyone. There are better ways to express my feelings.
  • I need to accept good from him. Lately my husband has offered good things such as talking, sitting together, reading together, that I don’t want to accept just because he had been such a brute this last year. I want him not to remember me for my yelling and overreacting (Stop Overreacting by Judith P. Siegel another good book to read if you are battling similar marriage issues). I want him to appreciate the good I am trying to produce now. I’m sure he wants the same.
  • I need to construct healthy boundaries. He may have disrespected me but I allowed it in a lot of cases. There is merit in the idea that abusive people marry easy to abuse people. Not that they think that through, But I see it looking back now. My husband wanted to be in charge and served. I wanted to be submissive and pleasing. He liked that I didn’t judge his every mistake and I like that he seemed to need me. After we got married it shifted to I needed to do everything not for him but because it was all my fault. He married me because I was easy, I married him because I wanted to feel wanted. Its easy to say IT’S HIM! HIS ATTITUDE IS WRONG but neither were healthy. I need to be able to ask for respect, help around the house, and express my feelings without fear and he needs not to rest his guilt and responsibilities on me. Really we were the same amount of wrong at different ends of the scale. (I’m just starting Boundaries by Henry Cloud. I hope to learn lots)

But I gave my marriage to God 8 days ago? I feel better already. I had held on to my anger and feelings of entitlement. I needed justice for the crazy my husband had brought to me. I clinched on to that for a year.  Giving it to God is really really hard, and it seems stupid. It’s too easy to say all the issues are with the other person. It’s too easy to claim no fault or that all my outburst and wrong doing were for good reasons. I really need to take this opportunity (HA! see? my marriage floundering is an opportunity) to grow in my faith in God’s design.

 

 

Giving my problems to God