Protecting each other

Today is my husband and I’s Anniversary. It seems more victorious than normal. By all means we should not have made it. I couldn’t handle his lust for other women or the lies and craziness that he tried to cover his tracks with. On the same idea though, my husband was dealing with great guilt and habits he had never let go off before and I did not respect him. I yelled and threw things and told him how very much I HATED HIM.


My understanding has grown and we’ve started to refer to these careless actions as strangling the others plant. Example, if my husband gets caught in something he feels ashamed for he will turn the guilt on to me. A couple weeks ago he had said we would go out on a date and to be truthful I was very excited. When the weekend came I had plans with my cousins on Friday and expected to go out with my husband that Saturday. Except he had not actually planned anything. He might have forgotten, but instead of quick slapping something together he turned it around. If  I  had not gone out on Friday, maybe his plans would not be ruined! In truth it had nothing to do with that and in the past I would have sat down with him and tried to figure out how I missed his heart.

This time I cut him off. No, he could not treat me that way. My emotions, my person is represented as a plant. Alive, unique, and fragile. Regardless of how I act my plant should be protected by a distance of things that are inappropriate to do-ever, but sometimes people believe if they are wronged well enough or things are not going the way they want it is okay to take the dome off the plant and strangle it to get the results wanted. My husband believe he could half-lie to me and manipulate the situation to be my fault to hide his guilt that he had not done what he said he would. That should never be alright. Those are actions that the dome around the plant should protect from, but he will often hurt my plant if it means protecting his own from shame of his own failure.

Another example. Any time my husband has acted unloving to me I ruin him because he deserves it. My husband came to me a couple days ago and explained to me that he ran into temptation at work and dealt with it instead of falling into it. He was so excited and victorious to be growing. I on the other hand, felt like my head slowly twisted 360°. What temptation? Another women? I geared up to fight. In the past I would have taken the protective dome off his plant because he needed to understand my pain. I would yell because that is what I grew up with. That was the best way to get any point across-yell louder. I cut him down because it’s the truth! I say mean things because he is being mean to me. I don’t respond to his attempts at peace because he has not done enough time in marriage purgatory to pay for his sin of unlove. This time  I understood the anger inside of me and went to the gym. I was so mad. He saw another women that tempted his affections but he barely gives any affections to me? I was heartbroken. I fumed on the tread miller. I went home still mad. Turns out the temptation was a magazine cover that he didn’t flip through. Stupid. I had imagined the worst and his comment was over a magazine. If I could slow my anger even more I would have been able to ask before I went to the gym.

But my temptation is to treat my husband with disrespect when he deserves it. He is made in the image of God. There is a bible verse in Jude1:9 about the archangel Michael disputing with Satan over Moses body and Michael does not disrespect Satan. Get it? Satan is not treated by God’s angels with disrespect. My husband is a son of God saved by Jesus. He never deserves disrespect. His soul(plant) needs to be treated with absolute respect in ever event. If he comes home next week and tells me he has had sex with his customer I need to have respect in my responds. I can be broken and sad. I can be angry but cannot sin in it. I can request and question but cannot name call or blame. I cannot yell. I cannot destroy his character.

Then what can I do? I can pray. I can get out of the house. I can find Christian fellowship. I can journal. I am still 100% myself. Write a list of how I believe I should act because a lot of times I am not proud of my actions after we fight. It’s better to make a clear least of how I believe I should act before entering into a conversation that tempts me to be disrespectful. Read. I can express my feelings quietly with truth. Anger is not a root emotion. Express sadness, express hurt, express injustice. write my expectations and how he deviated from it. I need to be able to affect his souls without violence, lies, emotional abuse, or yelling. The dome needs to stay firmly over his soul (plant).

These things are not easy for me. I hope in years I will be a better example of how to treat everyone with absolute respect. Please share your marriage stories with me! I would love to hear how everyone else is doing in keeping their vows to their spouse. Its ridiculously hard sometimes and we all need to stick together.


Protecting each other

Continuation of the Angry Button.

I’ve spent a couple days mulling over my angry button. I am starting to lean to the idea he can ask me to be skinner. If you did not read the last post here is a quick review: I don’t like my body is inadequate for my husband, I want him to like looking at me. So I am going to hash it out some more.

Men are different than women. He is 5’5,  over weight, his hair is terrible, he sports some raging eyebrows, and has fuzz all over his body. I have never viewed him as ugly. We got married when, I believe, he was at his heaviest. Almost 300 lbs he had hair just past shoulder length, chipmunk cheeks, and a funny walk. But he was my husband. I had a husband and he was connected to me, he was mine and I thought the world of him. He would have to pick up his stomach and lay it on me to do missionary- and I never thought that was awful, I KNEW it would be awful if I shamed him over it so I didn’t.

I am starting to believe he is ugly after seeing his heart this last year. After he manipulated and forced and tried to fool me to get out of fights or commitments… I have no words. I’m broken over it. Why would my husband be so mean to me? He admits he was mean now that the fight is mostly over. Before this bitter war hiss shoulders were sexy cause I could lay my head there. His beard stubbed neck was handsome because I would nestle there when we hugged. His mouth was defined for how he said my name. His hair was soft and he purred with I twisted my hands in it. His body was perfect because he used it as a lover to me. Then this year he used his arms to confine me. He used his mouth to say my name like it was curses from a pit of infection. He used his body to make mine bled. I am different from my husband I thought he was lovely because I thought his heart was lovely.

Men are different. they place more value on the visual. He sits down to dinner and complements what is seen before him. He can’t find things that he cannot see. If its covered up or in a drawer the man is freaking lost. He see chores that are out like mowing, but misses hidden ones like paying bills. One things my husband  uses is a mile marker is if I smile and how long I smiled and what kind of smiles. That sounds corny but he will.  If we talk he will say I saw a lovely smile because I cleaned the drain, or I don’t know what happened I caught a mischievous smile in the hallway earlier. He does not judge my words. I can tell him over and over I HATE THAT YOU DO X, but if he thinks I smiled about X he will re-question if my words were sincere. I do believe Men are visual.

So here is what I’m coping with (deep breath). He can ask me to be skinner. He is not ill willed but selfish. His world is visual and our society is very tempting. He has had a habit of looking at models daily. I pray God is working on his heart because even if I’m skinner and dressed better 50 is coming and I am not doing Botox till I die. He is gonna have to be content at some point. Thus being said. I want his heart to change. I am not ill willed but selfish. My world is heart driven and our society is very lacking. Women can’t seem to find a good man anywhere. All the men are falling into temptation. There are so few that say no. I want him to be able to say no to temptations dripping in honey. I want him to be truthful. I want him to fight for the injustices of others, be selfless and sacrificial. I want him to change not just for now but till he dies. I want him to be committed to me as his wife. I want him to give up his selfish living and just try out a marriage of teamwork and jointly won fights.

Women think it is horrible for a man to ask us to tweak our visual appeal, but a man takes it deeply that we do not appreciate the person they are.  Most women understand self help and a need to keep improving the person inside, men take this harder. This helps me. He has told me several times I have a nice face, good shoulders, nice legs, but the middle is just not the best right now. This infuriates me. I just had a third  human crawl out of my stomach just over a year ago!! Of course it kinda looks like an empty hacky-sack! Growl! Bark! Scratch! But he does the same. I can tell him he’s a good dad, I’m glad he does a good job at work, he just sucks at solving problems at home which I feel is reasonable to say-because its true. !! he’s thinking the same thing!! Its reasonable to tell me I’m fat because its true. So I joined a gym yesterday. The button is not gone but I’m working on it.


Continuation of the Angry Button.

Giving my problems to God

I’ve been journaling on my marriage woes since one week yesterday. I have to admit my thought was, our marriage healing would take years, and people need to understand how stupid hard this is. I’ve read and talk to other couples that have struggle through major marriage breaks. They all seem to say, ‘just do it’, ‘Forgive and move on’, ‘Give it to God’, and they all look …happy. Which is unbelievable to me. The one lady I spoke with, her husband had had two affairs that lasted years- But her and her husband seemed like a dream couple. My husband had thought over an affair and I feel like I’ve been shot.

The day he confessed it to me I blew up. Could not handle it. He said it was a customer and she had brushed up against him and it started the dreaming of having her in his bed. I could not understand. I know you are all reading rant after rant on this journal-blog thing thinking, yeah, he wants a different wife cause you are crazy. I really don’t act like I write. I feel like I am letting my deepest darkest thoughts out, because I wish I could find someone else doing the same. Spouting these same feeling so I wouldn’t feel crazy and demented. Maybe I will be that hope for someone else. Anyway. There were years that we had no sex. Years. I would go to bed with him naked and he would act on nothing. Those years I don’t know why I didn’t ask him for sex. I sure it was a hope he would show affection. He had said over and over how he was sexually obsessed with this girl I was friends with. He had porn and dating sites. He had spoke how he disliked my weight. I guess I hoped he would wanted me sexually, or at all.

But I still didn’t have to find out that he had been having sex with someone else for years. Those couples healed. On the idea of give it to God.  Raise of hands how many of you have any idea what that means? Anyone? Alright. I’ve wrestled, kicked, broke things over this one.

For awhile I would yell at my husband and then go pray that our marriage would get better then go yell at my husband some more. That did not seem to work. Although I would define that as I gave my problem to God. A friend told me that I laid my problem in God’s hand but took it back from Him. That took a while to understand. So run that scenario again, I yelled at my husband  and then go pray that our marriage would get better then stop fighting for my right because God is suppose to be taking care of it. (Insert nails on chalk board) This is the most infuriating moments. Trying to hold back my will and let God take care of things.

I believe in God, I believe God is involved in my life, I just WANT CONTROL. What if God lets him have the affair? what if I have to deal in this confusing mess of a marriage for YEARS? what if it doesn’t turn out like I want?

Then that isn’t the end of it. So I have to lay my problems in God’s hand and not take them back. Then the next step is to  make progress I need to follow God’s commands. I’m starting, very very slowly.

To understand this I will give an example. I want to Give my problem to my Mother.

“Dear mother I am broke all the time,” I pull my last five dollars from my pocket and show it to her.

Mother, “I care for you and will help you.”

“Thank you mother,” lay last $5 in Mothers out stretched hand…30 minutes later, “Mother can I have my money back I NEEEED coffee, the kids are driving me crazy”.

Mother, “No, you need to only buy necessities, put excess in the savings account, and priorities your wants and needs”.

“UGH you are so mean!!!” Me laying on the floor dying.

Mother,” I thought you wanted me to help”.

“Yes, but you are suppose to make it easy!!”

I would not talk to my mother that way on the fear of being disowned, but it seems like I tread God that way. I want him to fix it without much work on my part. Putting that to action seems so <HARD>.

This is my list of things I have been meditating on. Some are going better than others, and I wish I had Bible verse to them but I don’t:

  •  I need to view my husband as a human that could fall into hell just as we all can. I need to be more concerned with our eternal destination that my temporal comfort.
  • I need to speak and act respectfully, even if we disagree.
  • I need to treat him well if not for him, as worship to God and as a example for the kids.
  • i need not to yell, ever, to anyone. There are better ways to express my feelings.
  • I need to accept good from him. Lately my husband has offered good things such as talking, sitting together, reading together, that I don’t want to accept just because he had been such a brute this last year. I want him not to remember me for my yelling and overreacting (Stop Overreacting by Judith P. Siegel another good book to read if you are battling similar marriage issues). I want him to appreciate the good I am trying to produce now. I’m sure he wants the same.
  • I need to construct healthy boundaries. He may have disrespected me but I allowed it in a lot of cases. There is merit in the idea that abusive people marry easy to abuse people. Not that they think that through, But I see it looking back now. My husband wanted to be in charge and served. I wanted to be submissive and pleasing. He liked that I didn’t judge his every mistake and I like that he seemed to need me. After we got married it shifted to I needed to do everything not for him but because it was all my fault. He married me because I was easy, I married him because I wanted to feel wanted. Its easy to say IT’S HIM! HIS ATTITUDE IS WRONG but neither were healthy. I need to be able to ask for respect, help around the house, and express my feelings without fear and he needs not to rest his guilt and responsibilities on me. Really we were the same amount of wrong at different ends of the scale. (I’m just starting Boundaries by Henry Cloud. I hope to learn lots)

But I gave my marriage to God 8 days ago? I feel better already. I had held on to my anger and feelings of entitlement. I needed justice for the crazy my husband had brought to me. I clinched on to that for a year.  Giving it to God is really really hard, and it seems stupid. It’s too easy to say all the issues are with the other person. It’s too easy to claim no fault or that all my outburst and wrong doing were for good reasons. I really need to take this opportunity (HA! see? my marriage floundering is an opportunity) to grow in my faith in God’s design.



Giving my problems to God

Fine. Whatever.

Yesterday was the first day in months that we didn’t fight. I feel like researching God’s view on us as people helped my perspective, as did the Pure Life website. Not that he has had an affair or really on ongoing infidelity. But he has the habits of an addict.

A friend has told me I should go to the Al-anon group. That I would learn listening to the others deal with their addicts. No matter their substance they seem to have the same sort of ways of trying to hide or rid their minds of guilt. Their actions can cause more pain than the original Whatever they are addicted to.

Anyway. Hooray we didn’t fight for one entire day. Doesn’t matter we are kicking each others teeth out today, yesterday was a win. And it isn’t his fault, really. To be fair, he is also writing his “what the hell happened to us in the last 10 years” memoir (I posted mine on the blog under “the long story of my goals”) and I have been reading it. It is refreshing to hear him think about it. It’s comforting to see him take up some of the blame. I have been very happy with the progress. Then this sliver… of poison ivy apparently, that I could not leave alone. It bothered my brain and I knew I should walk away and not say anything. Did I? No.

He remembers one of our early, early fights. I had dressed up and expected to be beautiful to him. I expected to get hugs and kisses and him to offer his hand and want to be with me. To be proud I was his wife. Every women everywhere understands that. I know now that is a flawed expectation and that sometimes it does not work that way. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t think I or you are not pretty. Men are one though capacity sort of creatures. There are lot more he thinks of than us and we can not take up his thoughts as much as we would like. I presented myself to him for his approval all spiffed up, heart glowing, wanting to be his Disney princess. ‘Well, What do you think?’ which is a death trap because in all honesty he told me.

I don’t have his words exactly but I hope to post his memoir when he is through. I feel like it would be a great service to be able to post both sides of our fights. We will see. The jest was, I may not be pretty in the eyes of the world, but to him I was beautiful. .. … …(*wife sucking power from the earth to scorn the man of such confusing words*)

WHAT? then his expectations came through, he thought he had spoke a hard truth. He wanted me to grasp his arm and walk side and side with him, thrilled such a man would be so lovingly to explain the world to me. Neither of us got we wanted that day cause it followed with me asking what that meant and he explained to me I was “chubby”.

Fast forward back to today. He wrote it as if he had done a great service and I was just blind. Buddy. Husband. Dude I married. Explain this to me. If I come to you and say your nose is not pretty in the eyes of the world, but to me it is very handsome, you are going to be very curious of what I mean and why I could not just say  I  think you are handsome.

I left mad. I needed to go to the grocery store anyway but I am going to take my time. He has said this many times over the years. Several times this year. My face and shoulders are nice, my legs are okay, it’s my middle that’s the stickler.

I know he wants me to understand this and feel loving towards him. Respectful of his thoughts. Why does it make me feel so hurt? Why does he feel so inclined to straighten this out in my mind?

I feel compared. I feel like he says I am not pretty in the worlds view. What exactly is my husband definition of the world view? Why do i feel like its his statement of a suffering servant? The world doesn’t take me as pretty but he will. It may be hard but he will.

Writing these things down makes me see how silly of fight it was. It doesn’t matter. he said I was pretty to him. I feel like there is manipulation there. Probably more to the idea has to make me feel small to feel big which is one of his common manipulations than I’m so ugly he is just a saint to look at me.

Not much of the post today is about the fruit of the Spirit but I still need to look it up for my own meditation:

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Galatians 5:22-23

well. huh. I’m pretty sure this post is not showing any of these in myself. I need to think about this.

Fine. Whatever.

I need to change MY thinking

UUUGHGGHH! I just need him to understand HE IS wrong!! XD . I wanted to write this post yesterday and couldn’t focus on the idea of thinking better of my f r e a k i n g husband… Which I think shows more flaws in me.  You mean God has a plan and a way that I can think better of Ass holes, murders, and liers? No thank you. They deserve my wraith. (sigh) I might be more heathen than I want to think. Thank you Lord God Almighty for Jesus.

I knew I needed to look at him differently. See him as a sinner. Just like me, no sin is different- taking a candy out of Grandma’s glass bowl after being told no still cost the same punishment as gambling your families youngest brother for money. Eternity in hell. But he is supposedly saved, my husband. So what do I care? He isn’t going to hell. I see him as a Christian brother that needs to be convicted of his SIN (*hallelujah! Amen Sister*). I NEED him to understand he is going against   GGOODD!

Anyway, I read some stuff and got my thoughts straightened out. Knocked off my righteousness really. This is a good read, I struggle with the pure life people because they seem so very cold to the victims but, again I maybe wrong.The article is very short, please read the original (its link is below the quote).

So much of the help for wives available today focuses upon how they should erect boundaries to protect themselves from their husbands’ sin. And, kept in its proper place, this kind of teaching can be helpful. But my concern is that the underlying principle leads a woman to believe that protecting herself is the most vital issue involved. Are we becoming so wrapped up in self-preservation that we can no longer look outside ourselves at the very deep spiritual needs of others? Are we allowing temporal happiness to take precedence over the possibility of eternal damnation?

-Kathy Gallagher, pure life ministries

So I got humbled. I guess I’ve always been on the fence about once saved, always saved. I mean wasn’t Hitler a professing Christian?? Maybe it isn’t that people revert from saved to unsaved, but they were never really saved in the first place. I believe if you really understand your salvation you WILL change. I don’t think you have to do works to be saved, but if you aren’t it probably is a sign that your not saved. Works being-  not going against the 10 commandments, trying to act out the golden rule to strangers and people close to you, being honestly retentive when you do screw up, just a non entitled, unselfish, humble attitude. Cause really, you just got forgiven all your sin debts. I think I am a little in Awe of that.

The Pure Life article brought up, if your husband is acting like a royal douchbag (not a quote), he maybe cruising the highway to hell. He is not showing any respect for the sacrifice God gave to him, not listening to God’s guidance, or treating people with any sort of dignity maybe he isn’t saved. You may sit next to him a church, or pray with him at night but there are lot of Bible verse about understanding a persons heart by the fruit they produce.

There was this verse in Romans. Romans is still very difficult for me to understand:


Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.

You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. 10 But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life[d] because of righteousness. 11 And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of[e] his Spirit who lives in you.

12 Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. 13 For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.

Romans 8:5-12

Whoa, I may need to read some commentary on that one.

Having fleshly desires proves you will not receive salvation? Or the mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God? I’ve been hostile to God. I don’t want to do what I am suppose to Do. Then there is Luke 3: 8-9.

Luke 3:8-9

“Therefore bear fruits in keeping with repentance, and do not begin to say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham for our father,’ for I say to you that from these stones God is able to raise up children to Abraham. “Indeed the axe is already laid at the root of the trees; so every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.”

I understand this was directed at the Jews explaining to them that they needed more than their heritage to save them. But maybe the real truth is we all need to fear for ourselves and our families and friends may  not receive salvation.

Maybe I don’t need him to understand he’s wrong, but we both need to understand we maybe set apart from Christ If our fruits don’t show different.

I hope the next post to be about -what fruits?! Maybe tomorrow. Maybe not.


I need to change MY thinking

The long story of my goals

This is my account of my frustrations in my marriage. You can skip this post. I felt that it would be helpful to me to write it. Sometimes my actions seems completely justified in my head but when I write them I can see how overblown they were. Looking back I understand I was not always in the right and we both have things to work on.

My husband and I have been viciously fighting daily since April of 2016. I am furious about it. I am furious about our entire marriage but until this last year I don’t think my spirit was broken. I would try to problem solve, I would try to see the best in the situation, I would try to understand how he was coming to his decisions. Now I just want him to pay,  to suffer, to writhe a little, to die. I truly hate him.

When I started to feel this way I didn’t understand. He speaks softly, he compliments, he hasn’t had an affair. How can I complain? How many others have no husband? how many are abused? All my friends see him as an attentive good man. I didn’t understand, so I started to research how to change my attitude and perspective.

It turns out his sin is hidden. It is so hidden. It’s not the infidelity. It’s how he doesn’t allow me to express my hurt over it. It’s not how he doesn’t help me through the day, it’s how every request I make is overwhelming. It’s not that he didn’t get done what I asked, it’s how he blames me for his failure. It’s not that we disagree, it’s how everything is my fault or that it has to come down to my sins are worse.  I feel like I say I’m hurt and he says that stupid. I ask for something and he says I already have it. It a eternal trap of emotional pain.

The beginning years of marriage were trash. I was overjoyed and excited. He was unimpressed. We had always been great friends and the instant we crossed the threshold of our first day together everything feel apart. I feel like it started the night of our marriage. We had dated for five years. He had what he expected for sex already laid out and it didn’t happen on our wedding night. To add to it I worked and went to college the same as him and I expected team work in the household. He expected a 50s wife that would do all the chores. He shut down, he didn’t explain his frustrations or expectations to me. The sex stopped the communication stopped and with in 3 months he had signed into several dating sites and started a habit of porn in our house.

This lasted six years. I would bring it to him. I hate this, I hate the porn, I hate we don’t talk, I couldn’t place it but I felt unloved. From the outside our life was beautiful. We both had jobs, we went to church and I would sit against him. I talked softly to him and he talked softly to me. No one knew he would tell me not to cough. I would have panic attacks and he would tell me to “be quiet-just stop!” He would tell me the porn was between himself and God and had nothing to do with me. If I would just quit getting mad about it.

Then he moved jobs. He went from his office job were he accessed the porn to an outside job. He did it because he recognized the porn needed to stop. I rejoiced. I had anger inside that I had never been aloud to express because he deemed it misplaced. He had never done anything wrong and it was sin for me to bring it to him upset or calm. And this relived it.

I decided no matter what I was going to do my best job ever as a good wife from this point on. So what our first years were crap? it could be different now. By this time we had two kids and the first was just about to go into Kindergarten. I worked 2 pm to 10:30 pm 5 days a week and was crushed I would only see my son two days a week. Then my hero husband, taking up this new job, this hard labor job, this uncomfortable thing could allow me to be a stay at home mom.

I was in love. I was so proud of him. I bragged. I swooned. And I did it all. I kept the house, I scrubbed the pool, I mowed the lawn, scooped the snow, painted the rooms, cleaned the garage. All with admiration for this man that would take this hard job for the good of our family. I knew he gave up porn and tried to do whatever I could for him sexually. I tried to surprise him when I could with food or small gestures. I left him alone after the kids went to bed so he could watch tv. Now I understand that I was too much.

It didn’t take long. I would find time I could spare for sex and he would gush, “Isn’t it nice I can sooth your needs?” My mind tried to ignore it but I didn’t understand why he could just say he enjoyed our sex. I would get tired of being at home A L L the time and would asked if we could go out together. He would be more than thrilled, “oh yeah let me call my mom to see if she will babysit”. Then it would never happen, yet he would go out drinking with his friends every Friday. I would sit at home with the kids while he went out, I would reserve it to do special things for myself that night. to read or have a tray of sushi, or drink wine. I didn’t let it seep in how hurt I was.

(I am still only starting this healing and there are things I don’t understand yet. Through this I started to process everything I wanted as a sin. I understand that my husband was spinning a web of everything I asked was a disrespect and selfish. I’ve also learned that coming from an overprotective family that things I wanted to try or do always turned out to be too dangerous or ridiculous. I love books and love to write, and being a stay at home mom I thought that would be a simple way to feel accomplished and excited. Not long into working on my own fiction writing I felt overwhelmed with guilt. I felt I sinned against God to write stories. I am still not sure how to process that, but hopefully I can come back and see what God really things of my stories. )

That didn’t last a year. We were having another Stepford wives perfect day and I was dragging. I was pregnant and feeling. Me feeling anything irritates him. I stopped him in the hall and expressed that maybe I wasn’t feeling loved. He lashed out. Then why does he go to the hard job if not to express love?! I didn’t respond. That didn’t sooth anything. Was that the truth? The only love I should expect is monetary? and so the itch started. The itch to figure out why I felt the way I did.

The months before my third child was born I started to see his heart more. Not that it wasn’t the same as always, I just think I was looking for it now. I wasn’t doing all my wife chores. I was exhausted. having to help put socks on my feet at night was irritating to him. After the child had came and we had been sent home I cried for him to just sit with me. My C-section made me feel weak and I just wanted him to lay in bed with me. He wouldn’t come to bed until after I fell asleep.

I began to see a therapist. She read things to me and I would  weep. I didn’t understand. I still thought he was a great husband. At least I didn’t think there was much wrong. But it hurt me to watch  romance in movies. It hurt to see others together and how he seemed to adore her as much as she adored him. It hurt to think of how much I forgave him and he got so irritated with me over tiny things. I took these ideas and went home. I sat down at the table and announced, “I think our past is hurting how I feel”.

He imploded. “Why do you think I’m evil, you are putting a wedge in our marriage, your expectations are impossible”. I was hurt. I yelled back that I wasn’t bringing him a fight. I was dumbfounded. Was I really putting a wedge in our marriage? Were my expectations to high?  At the time I reanalyzed. I questioned my motives and actions. Why did his response make me sad? Why did my question make him mad? Now I know. His response to anything that he assumes will cause him work or guilt is to lash out, blame, change the subject, ore redirect fault.

So this started the destructions of any semblance of peace in our house. I knew there was something wrong. I didn’t know what but I didn’t let it go. I kept seeing the therapist. I asked him to come in. She met with him one session and told me to kick him out for my mental health. That he was disrespectful to me and I need 30 to 60 days to get my bearings. He left for one week before I called him back. My parents were on their way to see us I didn’t want anyone to know that we were so broken that he wasn’t even staying with us. As soon as he got back he was yelling. Did I know the hurt I caused him accusing him of such evil?! I couldn’t process this. When? When did I do this? When I came home and asked him to talk over our past of course. I couldn’t understand. I could not air any hurt about anything and he was presenting me with this giant fit about asking to talk. I felt that it was ridiculous and unfair.

Now the therapist would not talk to me about our marriage if I was unwilling to do what she recommended. I was broken. I don’t think I had ever thought through he should respect me. I hadn’t thought of him as emotionally abusive. I need to be taught more and I felt that it was awful that therapist was acting so offended I hadn’t followed her directions to a T. now he was rip roaring mad that I had asked him to leave the house. I tried to talk to him about us daily, I wanted this fixed, which of course is a death sentence to any man.

All of our conversations were one sided. I would explain how I felt or my opinion or what I saw and he would brush it off as irrelevant or unnecessary. But I had to, had to, had to understand his point of view. I would cry and cry and he would stand over me and explain all the ways I was wrong.

I am a problem solver at heart. Mothers day comes we spent the day at his mothers. I express I had wanted some attention too! Why don’t we go out this next weekend? his response the same as always, yes, that’s good, let me call my mom to see if she will watch the kids. the week keeps tick and no date is planned. He comes home for break from work, I cook him lunch and ask him how the plan for our date is. he will call him mom. Your phone is right there let me dial for you (passive aggressive at its best). He says no, why do I doubt him?  he will get it done. Friday comes and goes with no date. Fine. I understand I’ve been grumpy and expressive the entire week and it was making him unwilling to do things for our marriage.

So I plan a date for him. I get a sitter and when he gets off work we go out. He is surprised, we get Philly sandwiches, and go to Walmart since I do all the house shopping and he hadn’t been there in a long time (serious, this is what he wanted to do). He’s thrilled. I had been asking for sex for weeks. I felt broken that we were disconnected and was trying to reconnect however I could- looking back I needed to have more respect for myself- and he was saying yes of course but when it came down to it he wouldn’t have anything to do with me. I offered a sexual act that I didn’t often allow and he seemed pleased.

As soon as we got home I felt overwhelmed. I sat down at the computer and looked for encouragement finding a marriage article. I cannot remember what the article was about but it broke me. I sat in the spin chair mourning how disconnected we were. Mourning how little he was doing to try to keep us together. He came back to me-crying and I couldn’t explain why the happy encouragement made me sad. In the midst of my tears he asked me if we could go do that sexual act. I don’t know the last time he had asked me for sex. I usually offered it to him when ever I got a chance and he would say yeah, I suppose. But I’m broken and not thrilled about what he’s asking me to do. I apologize profusely, I’m overwhelmed tonight, these last few months have been hard, please forgive me and I will defiantly do this with you in the morning. His answer is maybe if you think about it you’ll be better. He planned on taking a shower and asking again. I said I didn’t think it would change anything but he could ask. I went to the bedroom broken laid on the side of the bed to think and fell asleep, in my clothes, completely out of the ordinary. A testament of the tired I was. I mean my husband and I had been fighting constantly, I had a 5 month old baby and two kids. My breast milk had dried up out of no where, I was a broken human anyway not considering fighting with this man daily for months.

I wake to him naked. He tells me we are going to do what he asks tonight. I’ve never seen him so excited about anything. I tell him no. He positions himself for it and we do it anyway. Forced wouldn’t be the word. he didn’t have to hold me down, but I was more than unwilling. He moaned and groaned and visibly enjoyed it more than I have seen him enjoy anything in forever. After he was done I didn’t even feel like a person any more. He disrespected me to a level I never thought possible and I didn’t know how to cope.

I sat with it for a few weeks. I knew he had been asking me to stop yelling. I feel like I yell because I don’t want to hear his lies and tricks. He tells me what I say hurts never happened. What I say feels like lies he did in my best interest. He turns things around, he makes everything my fault. I yell cause I want all the pain to stop, but still I yell which I shouldn’t. I sit down with a notebook and write how I feel. that he disrespected me. I ask him to the kitchen table to a calm conversation. I express calmly I feel hurt about how that night went. he wont even sit. He shrugs, “if you didn’t want it to happen, you could have fought me”. He is still upset I’m trying to talk to him about problems. He’s still righteous. I offered that act that night and should have been willing to go through with it because I was the one that offered it. I was going back on my words and that was unfair.

I toss the anger notebook out. it didn’t matter if I yelled or spoke calmly, my feeling and opinions did not matter. We fought for months. I was dying a small death each night. he explain to me that he had been having sexual fantasies about customers at work, because forbidden fruits are exciting. He called a friend to vent about his marriage issues and came back with this peach. I needed understand I was the car in his garage, his. And I was a nice car. But the other cars look different and nice too. (nod knowingly) sure. That what it is. We took family outings and I could barely function. He faked it so well during the day in front of others. We took a trip to the farmers market and found ourselves in a sea of half dressed college girls. He was already saying sorry before we parked the car. We were trying not to fight in front of the kids and texted back and forth angrily even though we stood side by side. He apologized over and over. Hes sorry he doesn’t know how to deal with his addiction to women. He’s sorry he can’t deal with their bodies. He ends this mess with even if he tore out his eyes they would still be in his head.

I begged and pleaded for him to solidify us. Say we are in a mess of temptation but we are married and fine. This is going to be a great day with the family and you and I are strong together. Say anything…anything but you are so drawn to them they will be stuck in your head. Say who cares about girls, look at the goat cheese! Its everywhere! but no I needed to know his struggle was real.

We got to August and we were having a terror of a fight. I had had it. He needed to crush me one more time. Have me understand one more time I was irrational part of his day. And as there often was he threw a distracting confessing in the middle of this war, he looked at naked magazines the day before. It was just a distraction tactic and I snapped. He was leaving for work anyway I pushed him out the door, I slapped him across the face and told him THAT WAS IT. He left for work, and I had to console confused kids. I put cartoons on the tv and drug out the suitcases.  I called the church lost about what to do. I spoke with a long time friend and she said Retrouvaille. It’s a marriage program and has to be starting soon.

That’s the God miracle. Retrouvaille happens twice a year and it was starting in two days. She begged me to try that before we start the divorce process. I stomped and screamed and lost it but called and signed up. And so we went.

Retrouvaille broke him. It explained to him feelings are not evil or wrong. He had never listened to my hurt. He started to listen frustratingly slow but it started. I could in very small doses express how I feel.

He started listening to marriage books on his phone at work. He started trying to change how he talks. The Retrouvaille program explains manipulations as anything you do to get the other person to do what you want besides asking directly. He started recognizing his deep manipulations. He is slowly changing.

So Retrouvaille happened in August and in November we had a knock out teeth argument over wording. He had a young lady he was INFATUATED with early in our marriage. And extremely stupidly I was using her as a means to explain something else. Something he once told me in comment about our not very thrilling sex life was, “I wish I had prospective with so & so”. I was speaking fast and said it carelessly, “you remember when you wanted to have sex with so & so?” Everything progressive about that conversation stopped at that point. HE never wanted to have sex with her-just prospective!!! What the F— is prospective? SEX! anyway you understand from there. I was frustrated before retrouvaille, and even though it seemed to help his head, it was setting in that I was going to have to live in this stage of growth for years. YEARS. Y E A R S.

I destroyed everything. I was getting what I wanted. Our marriage was healing, but I wanted it better NOW! I broke our Christmas decorations about him and I. Tossed pictures. Crushed the things from our wedding. poured water over the love notes I wrote him while in school. Threw away the collections of our travels. Took the pictures of the walls and put holes in them. Busted dishes. I desperately wanted the bloody ring off his ugly fat finger.

I threw his first ring out the window our first year of marriage after he couldn’t keep it on. He would take it off to go to work were his boss was having an active affair. When we moved out of that apartment into a house, I bought him a new ring as repentance for my actions. he had tried everything to destroy us our first year and I told him I was dedicated to him regardless. That bloody ring represented my forgiveness, my commitment to him, my respect and love for him and I did NOT feel that anymore at all ever in my days. But to him he seemed to think of it as a ring of power. He was my husband! How dare I treat him the way I did!! How dare I cloud his life with my trivial needs. I asked for it and he wouldn’t give it to me so I tried to get it off my self. We fought physically and I found I could do nothing to him.

He overpowered me. He would wrap his arms around me and hold me still that no matter how I fought I could not get away. That fueled a want to claw his face off. That fuel a want to wrap a cord around his neck and pull it tell he understood I had some power.

Now I’m understand. I want to control something. I want power somewhere. I see him and his boundaries. There are things that if I step over he reduces me to a bucket of tension, anxiety, and tears. The idea that I hurt my husband was, in the past, enough to make me turn around, want to repent, and change my actions. But when he steps my boundaries he explains to me why he didn’t have a choice and it’s mostly my fault it happened anyway. I have no way to express he is hurting me. I feel powerless to regulate my own request for respect, I feel powerless to protect myself from attack.

So that’s were we are. I have so much to work on. I can’t blame him. I’ve had boarders but I’ve allowed disrespect. I need to have clearer boarders. I can’t submit to him blindly. I need to have strong statements of respect for myself. I need to have boarders that I expect for myself- like don’t hit idiots, or call my husband and idiot… I don’t deserve to be disrespected when I bring up my needs and wants. I’ve decided I need to stay in this marriage, but in my heart he feels like the enemy. Which is also a problem. I need to decided I want something from him. Right now if he touches me with a 10 mile long stick I will burn him. If he walked in with 12 dozen roses, poems of written love, and jewels I would probably still happily push him down the stairs.

But we have spent 11 years were he talked to me happily meaning me harm in his heart because he judged me as irrelevant and bothersome. Sex feels like a trap, his words feel like a trap, his gifts seem like a trap, his invitations seem like a trap. I feel like taking anything kind from him will result in him being able to say remember I did that for you, and I will be trapped again. That can’t be. I need to be able take good from him just because he loves me (HaHAhaHAAahha!), not because he is putting coins in his own bank to force me into servitude latter.  And  I don’t know what power I have to combat his passive aggressive anger. he is so slippery. I maybe able to watch him do mean things to me but he will claim he was only thinking of me! So there are things I still don’t know how to deal with. I need to find some love in my heart. I need to find a will to deal with him cordially. I need to find solid answers to how to combat him while he is trying to heal his manipulations that don’t pull us into fights. I need to have some understand of him so I don’t think he is so evil while he is trying to wrestle with me. I mean he has had these habits his entire lives, he is still going to exercise them daily. I need to be able to tell myself he is acting as a child, he is a monster of habit, he isn’t respecting me because he cant deal with guilt in his own head and that is his issue not mine- I cant allow it, but I don’t need to hurt him over it.

Anyway. This is a mess. I am ANGER. and I believe anger isn’t a base emotion. Anger comes from the inflammation of other root emotions. I am sad and frustrated. I am trying to grow. I am trying to heal myself. I have no control over my marriage. I have no power over anything but my response to these days God gives me. Even though Lord knows I’ve tried to have control and power to know avail. I believe my life will be beautiful if I can just do this. I will become strong. Sure footed. I will become knowledgeable and I already feel more compassion for ANGRY people. I believe in YEARS he will be a decent person. Deal with his own guilt, have standards and morals, view others as image bearers of God, but my goal right now is to deal with my own sins. Become a beautiful image bearer of God myself.



The long story of my goals

Help me God

All right. Here we go. (Deep breath). I need to confess some, major, issues in my personality. I have been struggling with my marriage since it started 11 years ago. My husband messes up and I yell, scream, and loose every ounce of cool I’ve ever been given.

To be fair. He doesn’t make it easy. He’s been a porn addict since he was 12 and has no reasonable expectation of women or sex. His mom left when he was 8 (?). He grew up with his brother and dad making him clueless on how to react to women.  which I feel is an excuse because, it’s not a bubble. You still run into girls at school or work or where ever. But his usually response would be categorize their reactions as unnecessary drama . It was nothing he had to deal with. This set the tone for how he would understand and cope with my day to day involvement in his life.

So I guess this blog is to journal through the healing that needs to take place after our fallout last year. My husband seems to be learning and applying but I am not. I cannot fathom why I would ever want to join him in marriage after he trashed us -again- and I know that is not what God wants. God hates divorce. God wants me to love my enemies. God wants good for me, and I can feel it. I can feel there will be great good if I learn how to cope with this wound and forgive him again. But Lord God Father of my King Jesus there has got to be some major boundaries laid down before our marriage regains any sort of shape, ’cause right now its just a blood puddle in the cracks of the kitchen tile.

So I guess today I want to start looking at how God sees my husband and meditate on that. Hopefully that will be tomorrows entry. and if any of you are out there struggling to deal with what your marriage has turned into, I would love to know. ❤

Help me God