A bitter, hard heart is a dangerous slope and I don’t know how to get off.

If it’s possible, my attitude has gotten worse.

I feel like I know who I want to be. I want to follow God and be a light. Be love in a world of hate, love those undeserving. Everyone except my husband. He needs punished for every sin he has incurs against our marriage.

If I could just disconnect from him. but I can’t. we sleep in the same bed and I keep hoping there will be a spark. there never is. Like two months ago he out of no where spooned against me and immediately judged it as wrong and turned back over.  He wanted me to state my approval within the 15 seconds he  risked his thoughts- and I don’t think it is anything more than he wants me to beg. He wanted me to flip around and go ,”no wait, I wanted to be held!” And then he would have had some drama about how ,oh, if he has to, for the good of MY neeeeeeeeeds. Cause he couldn’t ever let it slip that maybe he wants affection….

If I could just disconnect. I want adventure so badly. Once a week he promises to go out. I get the feeling he promises so he doesn’t have to talk to me because we will just talk when we go out this weekend!! Then I get all pumped up or had been getting so. We have never had a dating life after we became marriage and I was SERIOUSLY excited. But they all fall through. “let’s go to the concert this Friday!”, Friday comes and we go no where. Lets go out together Saturday-I’ll call my mom to watch the kids… Saturday comes and now, after a week of hoping, oh-my mom couldn’t watch the kids.

Let’s play a game. No game. Lets watch a movie. No movie. If I could just disconnect. Tell him off. I tell him he needs follow through. It isn’t fair to get my hopes up and then not deliver. If someone did this to him he would be irate. Like the night I said I would preform oral. I had been begging to out on a date and he kept saying, “oh, yeah sure,” and then it never would happen. So I planned one for him.  Even though he was being rude to me I wanted to love on him. Part of it was I would give him oral. Then I had an emotional evening and cried for an hour. I realize I was trying so hard for this boy that doesn’t give one scrap of care to me! I Cried. I begged to give me an IOU. I was just tired. I would have oral with him in the morning. NO. I had said I would preform oral so I was going to preform oral. He took a shower and I fell asleep haphazardly on the side of the bed. He woke me up and the oral even though I begged not to, happened. The next day I expressed I felt broken when he didn’t have mercy for my sad heart. He expressed how I didn’t have any footing to complain. I had said I would and it would have been a terrible sin to go back on my word.

If I could just disconnect. I stay at home with the kids. My marriage might as well be in the washing machine of my head. It just goes round and round.  I try to stay neutral and just do what I am suppose to do. If not with a happy heart at least with a happy attitude. But then he leaves me alone!! As soon as I act and do what I am suppose to he spends time with friends, he does his own projects, he swims with the kids. If I try to happily tell him how I feel-alone, unloved, and upset he treats me like a chore. So I go back and forth. I try to hold it together. I express that it would really really help me if we could just talk about our marriage daily. Then he talks to me as if I’m a problem. Why are you angry, what do you feel, why do I feel that way….Then I have trouble holding it together and everything explodes. I understand that he has expectation that I am suppose to be respectful of but he does NOT seem to think the same of my expectations. I express maybe it would be fun to talk about our marriage. Surely there is something you want from our marriage? (crickets) So I try to continue on. Don’t do it for my husband. The little angel on my shoulder says do all things as if for the Lord. But that angel is getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller, and smaller.

He is making strides. He apologizes ALL THE FREAKING TIME.  it drives me batty. Every time he opens his mouth he says he’s sorry. growl/sigh. Fine. This is good. For the first time ever I think he is figuring out his actions have had consequences. He secretly hated me for this house, for our cars, for being pregnant, for being fat…. things I didn’t know until we exploded last year. I just knew he felt cold and distant about everything. Up until April of 2016 I have TRIED extremely hard to be a good wife.

Do all the chores, go to work, pay the bills, take care of the kids, BE QUIET was a big one with him. I did everything but take out the trash except when he forgot. Then I got fed up with it. This is the part of the story that I don’t understand what God wanted me to do.

I was trying to love him when he wasn’t acting lovable. Did I sin by giving up on Gods ways? I don’t know. I don’t know what I was suppose to do. I let my expectations and emotions  over power my ability to act like God wanted me to. I. Don’t. Know. How. To. Disconnect. I tell myself I need to act different while I fight with him and I can feel the snap. I just want him to suffer. I yell, I cuss, I break. why should I care? It doesn’t matter how I act he will treat me like I don’t matter…two weeks ago we fought and I expressed that I was so mad. This last year was terrifying! He was uncommitted. He manipulated and brunt us. would it be sooo terrible to show commitment to our marriage by just talking to me daily? Not about the kids, or the house, or work. We just need to talk about us daily for awhile. Ignoring that we are both still hurt is not helping. Sure, sure, sure he agrees. Did it happen? No.

So I waited. I want him to show some commitment to our marriage. does he? No. So now I’m upset. I asked again for the 5 time in this 6 month period to talk to us on a daily bases to help me heal from the debacle of last year and he will not talk to me. I don’t want to go to him and ask, he will treat me like I neeeeeed something and he is being self sacrificial or that I’m a giant pain. He explains to me how I’m wrong. he explains to me how I missed that he did talk to me. which isn’t the truth, he will lie about everything. Like how we finally had a productive conversation that I felt heard about his porn habit. He has done porn since he was 12. He had porn on MY computer before we had been married for 3 months, he quite school cause he was just doing porn at class, he had a job for 8 years that he did porn on the computers at work and I was beyond worried that he was going to get caught and be unemployable. We had this conversation about how it hurt me and how porn made him act different. It was the most connected conversation. I felt so close to him. We got up from the conversation had he said he was glad for the conversation but looking back he wasn’t sure he ever did porn.  toss everything out the window. Here I have been asking for him to just talk to me. Sit, talk to me about where we are. How is your accountability group? Are you feeling alright in the marriage still? Is there growth? would you like to go do anything to build into this? and his reaction is to say That happened wife, you apparently missed it!  I snapped and I smacked him. Then we fought physically. It was just holding on to my frustration everyday. Trying to act responsible. Try to care for him and he will not repay the gesture. I expressed my heart that I didn’t feel talked to- not even Connected with, I cant expect that at this level.  And his answer felt disrespectful. Like telling my kids to pick up their room, you look in their room and its still a disaster so you ask again and the child says I already did it MOM.

I shouldn’t have crossed that line. But I did. He doesn’t pay attention to me. He doesn’t want to do anything with me. He doesn’t want sex even though he is a sex addict. He doesn’t want to date even though he wants a spark with someone else and he will take her on dates when he finds her. he doesn’t want to talk with me. He doesn’t accept an minuscule bit of inconvenience from me and I felt hopeless. It feels like climbing a mountain. To get him to do anything for me I will have to act Stepford wife perfect for 6  months. Then ask my requests in honor, respect, and quiet and then have a 50-50 on being shot down just on how he feels. Crap with that, I’m never gonna get what I expected from a marriage. beat the hell out of him.

I ripped his shirt, I pushed him into the couch. he grabbed my arms to keep me away from him and crushed me into the ground. I tried to come again kicking at him and he grabbed me again making me feel powerless. I smacked him in the face and he turned me around and kicked at me. Something about that I cant get over. he didn’t have to kick at me.  I fell so his kick missed, but I never understand. I fight him because he is so frustrating. How can men not see that. I will tell him dating sites hurt me and he will tell me I’m stupid because he doesn’t want yelled at. I fight with him because I feel hopeless and he kicks at me cause he doesn’t want fought with. I don’t know I need to think about it some more. Serves me right for starting a fight. I hurt for two days after that and have been struggling to type on the computer because my arms hurt. I’m sure he didn’t hurt two days later, all I did was cause him inconvenience that day and my own pain.

but he expressed hate that we fought. That he was angry that our relationship had deteriorated this badly. So you know what happened?! We went out on a date! how stupid. How does a person get what they want? throw a giant tantrum, that’s how. The kids had cbs 6:30 to 8:30 his mom watched the baby. we went to a little town bar ate hamburgers and played keno. It felt like a bittersweet win. My hand that use to hold his  slapped his face and the hands that use to hold my crushed me into the floor….I don’t know if that is ever going to be okay again.

I regret acting terribly. I’ve been trying to act as calmly as I know how. I grew up in a yelling family and was really trying to beat that habit. When I would yell I would try to apologize and make him a better dinner than usual and tell him how stupid that my outburst was. ‘Cause yelling is just another form of manipulation. I am trying to force my way by causing fear. It didn’t work when my brothers and I were kids and it doesn’t work in my family either. I just need to give up on it.

But he is changing. He is different from all the marriage classes. He has become a more involved father. He has been helping with the chores. I haven’t mowed the grass once this year, and he is taking care of the garden after I said I did not have the spirit to plant one after all the fighting. He is planning to make loft beds for the kids which is completely unexpected that he would build anything. He build chairs for camping too and I don’t know that man.

But he isn’t changing on our level yet. He still treats me like a person that works in his house that raises kids for him. I might as well be the nanny. It makes me jealous. He has remarkable ideas for the kids. He is out camping with my son right now. but he doesn’t know what he wants for me. He has fantasies about other girls, he would give up anything for a bout of porn, but nothing for me.

We met together and wrote expectations and things we want in our marriage. It’s stuck to our fridge. I mean I want what everyone wants, love and respect. I wanted him to actually listen to me. I don’t want him to toss all my thoughts out as absurd- which happens every 6 second. I can not say anything with out him judging it. I will tell him that his brother left their kids sippy cup here and he will have to review the information and look at the cup. I tell him their is no money in the bank and he will have to check. I tell him the neighbor’s cats in our yard and he won’t believe me.

Which makes everyone go, well you must have had been a lair. No that is not my sin. I can lie for exactly 23 seconds before I break out in a cold sweat and splurt like an infant. He doesn’t trust anyone but himself. I can ask him anything and he will have to rejudge and put his own spin on it.

Back to the expectations list. Divorce is needed before seeking new girlfriend, dating site, flirt buddy… (right?!) communication, help without being treated like a burden.

 

Also to be friends. Never in my wildest thoughts did I think my marriage would be this sterile. I had thought while we were dating even when we had bumps that we were not madly infatuated with each other we knew how to have a good time. He use to be my best friend. we did everything together. we went to movies every weekend. Went to the coffee house. had friends over to his apartment and grilled. that stopped the second we became married.

I always assumed we would have a good dating life and sex. How is he addicted to porn and fantasies about other women in his life and he will not even talk about sex with me?

I have purchases sex books, lingerie, I have opened up about my thoughts and he never has anything to say. He turns me down quiet often or acts like he doesn’t want sex but if i do he will selflessly help. He can’t even say the word sex about us. He will talk about sex about him and others but not about me and him. He says in the weakest voice ever ‘make love’. Then he treats me like some 80 year old grandmother. ………!

We will go years without sex. He will not state he wants or needs sex and expects me to request it from him. But I refuse. He has just had a season of infatuation with other women, dating sites, etc. It would be nice to know that he has some desire or need for us. We took a vaca to a giant farmers market last year and it was full of football fans. college girls wearing close to nothing and he said, even if he could rip his eyes out he would still have them in his head.

He doesn’t ever say anything like that to me. I’m always MEH. I just want to pop his head off. I mean, come on. He could have some sort of sex with me even if I’m not his perfect body size OR he can have his hand and fantasize about women that would probably mace him in the face if they knew he was masturbating to them. YEAH SO, my attitude is getting worse and I don’t know what I am suppose to do.

This isn’t what God wants me to act like but I am SOOO MAD. any one with some suggestions how to get back on track???

 

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A bitter, hard heart is a dangerous slope and I don’t know how to get off.

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