Today is my husband and I’s Anniversary. It seems more victorious than normal. By all means we should not have made it. I couldn’t handle his lust for other women or the lies and craziness that he tried to cover his tracks with. On the same idea though, my husband was dealing with great guilt and habits he had never let go off before and I did not respect him. I yelled and threw things and told him how very much I HATED HIM.
My understanding has grown and we’ve started to refer to these careless actions as strangling the others plant. Example, if my husband gets caught in something he feels ashamed for he will turn the guilt on to me. A couple weeks ago he had said we would go out on a date and to be truthful I was very excited. When the weekend came I had plans with my cousins on Friday and expected to go out with my husband that Saturday. Except he had not actually planned anything. He might have forgotten, but instead of quick slapping something together he turned it around. If I had not gone out on Friday, maybe his plans would not be ruined! In truth it had nothing to do with that and in the past I would have sat down with him and tried to figure out how I missed his heart.
This time I cut him off. No, he could not treat me that way. My emotions, my person is represented as a plant. Alive, unique, and fragile. Regardless of how I act my plant should be protected by a distance of things that are inappropriate to do-ever, but sometimes people believe if they are wronged well enough or things are not going the way they want it is okay to take the dome off the plant and strangle it to get the results wanted. My husband believe he could half-lie to me and manipulate the situation to be my fault to hide his guilt that he had not done what he said he would. That should never be alright. Those are actions that the dome around the plant should protect from, but he will often hurt my plant if it means protecting his own from shame of his own failure.
Another example. Any time my husband has acted unloving to me I ruin him because he deserves it. My husband came to me a couple days ago and explained to me that he ran into temptation at work and dealt with it instead of falling into it. He was so excited and victorious to be growing. I on the other hand, felt like my head slowly twisted 360°. What temptation? Another women? I geared up to fight. In the past I would have taken the protective dome off his plant because he needed to understand my pain. I would yell because that is what I grew up with. That was the best way to get any point across-yell louder. I cut him down because it’s the truth! I say mean things because he is being mean to me. I don’t respond to his attempts at peace because he has not done enough time in marriage purgatory to pay for his sin of unlove. This time I understood the anger inside of me and went to the gym. I was so mad. He saw another women that tempted his affections but he barely gives any affections to me? I was heartbroken. I fumed on the tread miller. I went home still mad. Turns out the temptation was a magazine cover that he didn’t flip through. Stupid. I had imagined the worst and his comment was over a magazine. If I could slow my anger even more I would have been able to ask before I went to the gym.
But my temptation is to treat my husband with disrespect when he deserves it. He is made in the image of God. There is a bible verse in Jude1:9 about the archangel Michael disputing with Satan over Moses body and Michael does not disrespect Satan. Get it? Satan is not treated by God’s angels with disrespect. My husband is a son of God saved by Jesus. He never deserves disrespect. His soul(plant) needs to be treated with absolute respect in ever event. If he comes home next week and tells me he has had sex with his customer I need to have respect in my responds. I can be broken and sad. I can be angry but cannot sin in it. I can request and question but cannot name call or blame. I cannot yell. I cannot destroy his character.
Then what can I do? I can pray. I can get out of the house. I can find Christian fellowship. I can journal. I am still 100% myself. Write a list of how I believe I should act because a lot of times I am not proud of my actions after we fight. It’s better to make a clear least of how I believe I should act before entering into a conversation that tempts me to be disrespectful. Read. I can express my feelings quietly with truth. Anger is not a root emotion. Express sadness, express hurt, express injustice. write my expectations and how he deviated from it. I need to be able to affect his souls without violence, lies, emotional abuse, or yelling. The dome needs to stay firmly over his soul (plant).
These things are not easy for me. I hope in years I will be a better example of how to treat everyone with absolute respect. Please share your marriage stories with me! I would love to hear how everyone else is doing in keeping their vows to their spouse. Its ridiculously hard sometimes and we all need to stick together.