I had reread my ‘Fine.Whatever’ post and became frustrated with it. That post sounded weak. My husband typed something insignificant and it made me deeply angry. I had read a book early in our fight last year called, “From Anger to Intimacy” by Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham. It talked about buttons that initiate anger in others or yourself. I came to the decision the last post really was not about the issue of what my husband said. It was a button he was touching. A button that I am not attractive to him. A button that makes me feel rejected and unwanted.
Today I want to examine this button. I didn’t have it till I was married. I had always said my goal was to eat whatever I wanted because I was going to be whomever i wanted. I dressed how I wanted, I never cared what others thought I looked like and I loved the person I was inside. Then my husband and I got married and he rejected me or I felt that he rejected me. Thus my fear of being unattractive to my lover is born. I’m coming to terms with the idea he does not feel like he rejected me. He had a habit of porn. He did not appreciate our sex, he panicked that he was no longer a bachelor and tried to revive those feelings with dating sites and fantasizing of others. He views those things as selfish unaware actions. He viewed me as his best friend and his statement is he would never never get a divorce, he wanted me in the marriage- he just wanted everything else too.
To me that made me feel rejected, unwanted, used, dirty, and ugly- and he agrees if I had done porn, dating sites, and telling him about my fantasies of other people to him he would have felt the same. Thus bore the button. A dangerous button that I might be obsessed with. My husband cannot talk about any woman without my ears perking and all my gears in my brain slowing to focus. The message must be deciphered. Is he stating she is more attractive than me? He cannot say nice things without me wondering if there is alternative motive. Or but…you would look nicer if… How did this button get so important? It was born out of carelessness but fed by my husband’s actions and inaction. I often found him looking at other women but he also never talked about us. He didn’t say how he was attracted to me or what my value was in his life.
Also we did not have a sex life. I felt like this was a huge part. Here I am married to a porn addict. He is looking at dating sites, he is flipping around in the isle of Walmart to look at some other lady and we have no sex life. Isn’t he craving sex at every turn but yet I lay barely clothed in bed and he won’t do anything with me? Before we were married we had a fantastic relationship. We went out to movies, did our college homework together, cooked together, saw friends together, and rocked the bed in every way but sex. We had both agreed to save sex for marriage but we were pressing up against that line pretty hard. And we didn’t just rock the bed, we rocked the back of the car, the floor, the couch, etc. Every time everybody else left we would have “coffee” the code word for naked time. He never minded my body then. We laughed and tried anything together and I had no fear of rejection.
A couple days ago we were talking about this I don’t have any idea why we had such a good dating life then the minute we said vows it turned into such a mechanical monster. He agreed to think more about it, he says he doesn’t understand it either. I can make speculations, but there are so many things I don’t understand on his side yet. It has to have something to do with how broken his mind was about sex. So in this conversation a couple days ago he said something that has had me thinking. Our sex life was terrible. I bet we hadn’t had sex 20 times until we had been married for 5 years. Why when he was craving it so hard would he have nothing to do with me? Which is not the way I worded it to him, I asked him why didn’t he find me attractive? He use to get in the shower and masturbate to other women and then get out and tell me about these women in his head and how frustrated he was that he could not deal with this habit! It was infuriating to my brain, my wife brain exploded. Why were those other women so much more attractive to him? I ask him this. He studders and shrugs, he struggles and says that he didn’t always masturbate over other women, sometimes about me. I had never never never thought this. Never.
He had always explained his actions as guilt. He often. OFTEN, told me about his masturbation or porn, etc to confess his guilt. He felt guilty and would admit to me his wrong-doings and then do the same thing the next day. I sunk, I felt worthless, I felt raw, I felt alone, I felt angry. Maybe if he confessed and changed his ways I would have felt differently or maybe not felt these emotions so deeply, but he confessed as a way to empty the icky feelings out of his hands, squarely dumping the icky feelings into my lap so he could skip away sin free. The worse feeling was the angry, which he never allowed. The anger was sin, here he was confessing to me and for me to be angry at him was misplaced. That made me feel confused, frustrated and more angry. It was not until we went to Retrouvaille this last August that he finally understood that I needed to be able to communicate my feelings, even my anger.
But if I forget the injustice brought to me for awhile I am starting to see maybe this was an out of control hamster wheel for him. He did have a habit that started when he was 12. He did have porn expectations for sex that are as ridiculous as women having Disney princess expectations for marriage. Of course your man will sense all your deepest feelings then lead you to a happier understand of them and of course know how to dance. And your women will always eagerly have 20 minute worth of hard sex with you that starts with a blow job and ends with cum all over her face. This is not reality. He didn’t know how to cope with life. Every time anything went badly he masturbated. If we disagreed, if he felt he failed. It was a simple way for him to feel good again. He never had to come to me and ask for sex, he never had to practice relationship skills. He never risked anything. Maybe he did like us. Maybe he did find me attractive, but to have sex is a hard thing to navigate. He didn’t want to give up that control. He also masturbated and watched porn like a smoker. You know how a smoker have to have a cigarette as soon as they hit certain events in their day. Breakfast, in the car, every break, every time they arrive somewhere or leave somewhere, etc. I now believe my husband was the same way. Before we had married he had chosen not to have a computer at his house but had porn at the computers at school. He had porn at the computers at work. I hate to say I understand but I might to an extent. If I need to file taxes or be working on my bank statement but I want to look up a craft or cook something the idea of getting on Pinterest itches inside my head. I can justify it in a million different ways. A quick search will only take a second, no a fraction of a second. He had certain places and situations the habit was so ingrained he had a hard time not being sexual without me.
So my button. I get angry when I feel that I am being told, it is being applied, or I can assume that I unattractive to my husband. It was born from my husband selfish motives. It was cultivated with thoughtless inaction and painful actions between us. Why does it have to matter any more? I have never believe that my appearance should be who I am. I am an artistic person. I am a problem solver. I am a mother. I aim to be a teacher to those kids.I hope to be a nurturer again, that parts kind of broke right now. I feel like I am a fun person. I want to better other people’s lives, I want to add to people’s understanding of God. I have goals, standards and structure to my days. I believe firmly in my king and savior Jesus Christ. I believe Lord God is a good father. That matters. So I have stretch marks and I weight 170? In front of no-one do I feel fat. I have a pooch when I sit, but I feel unphased by anyone else s eyes. It matters that I be attractive to my husband lusts. I feel like a part of marriage is to cool each others lusts and neither of us have either done that for each other. I always go hungry and he always is pining after porn and women outside of us. Should he be able to ask me to be thinner? It makes me think he has an appearance in my head he wants from me or doesn’t want for me. He should view me as an image bearer of God. The same thing I am to view him as. That he should only correct me in ways that bring more Godliness to me and my family. That’s unrealistic. We are all human sinners so maybe he should be able to ask me to be thinner, ugh.
Growl. I’m struggling with this, and probably will for awhile. What should he have done? What did I want him to do and expect from him: I wanted him to love me as who I am and what I look like regardless. To be happy I am his wife, flaws and all. I wanted him to communicate this to me in words and actions of pursuit. But this didn’t happen. He isn’t happy with my body. My middle to be exact. I feel fine with my own middle. I’ve had three kids, one of them 15 months old. I feel like I didn’t do too bad. But he wants a model. I want to remain anonymous otherwise I would post pictures. I feel like I can rock it if I want and he is kinda being a bitch. What does he want? Everything. I don’t feel like is a mean comment. most do want everything and the porn has taught people are things while the internet, tv, and movies has communicated that we should have everything. He wants someone to clean the house, teach the kids, mow the lawn, and a double D plastic trip model to stand at the end of the bed naked with a glass of wine to rub his feet while he masturbates because I think that is more fulfilling for him. If you don’t believe it look up affects of porn on this generation, its devastating. Or if you are a porn watcher answer this question- why after that guys screws the double D plastic trip model for 20 minutes (wouldn’t most men explode like after 20 seconds with some of those beautiful women making all those noises?) does he still have to orgasm himself with his own hand? he’s desensitized. He has had so much sex that is what it takes to finally get an orgasm. That’s messed up. I’m sorry, when I’m 80 I want my 80 year old partner to be able to say something dirty and me to be all revved up. I hope I’m simple till I die.
I may think about my button more tonight. It seems like lots of women have this button. I saw a post about how stupid it is this girlfriend is jealous the boyfriend looks at other women. The issue probably isn’t shes jealous, the issue is probably more she doesn’t understand her place in his life. She doesn’t feel him as committed and if he was actually committed he probably wouldn’t be looking. But I do think if without a double I knew my husband was acting for us, working to build us up, and striving for our family to grown I wouldn’t be as nervous he might have looked.