I’ve been journaling on my marriage woes since one week yesterday. I have to admit my thought was, our marriage healing would take years, and people need to understand how stupid hard this is. I’ve read and talk to other couples that have struggle through major marriage breaks. They all seem to say, ‘just do it’, ‘Forgive and move on’, ‘Give it to God’, and they all look …happy. Which is unbelievable to me. The one lady I spoke with, her husband had had two affairs that lasted years- But her and her husband seemed like a dream couple. My husband had thought over an affair and I feel like I’ve been shot.
The day he confessed it to me I blew up. Could not handle it. He said it was a customer and she had brushed up against him and it started the dreaming of having her in his bed. I could not understand. I know you are all reading rant after rant on this journal-blog thing thinking, yeah, he wants a different wife cause you are crazy. I really don’t act like I write. I feel like I am letting my deepest darkest thoughts out, because I wish I could find someone else doing the same. Spouting these same feeling so I wouldn’t feel crazy and demented. Maybe I will be that hope for someone else. Anyway. There were years that we had no sex. Years. I would go to bed with him naked and he would act on nothing. Those years I don’t know why I didn’t ask him for sex. I sure it was a hope he would show affection. He had said over and over how he was sexually obsessed with this girl I was friends with. He had porn and dating sites. He had spoke how he disliked my weight. I guess I hoped he would wanted me sexually, or at all.
But I still didn’t have to find out that he had been having sex with someone else for years. Those couples healed. On the idea of give it to God. Raise of hands how many of you have any idea what that means? Anyone? Alright. I’ve wrestled, kicked, broke things over this one.
For awhile I would yell at my husband and then go pray that our marriage would get better then go yell at my husband some more. That did not seem to work. Although I would define that as I gave my problem to God. A friend told me that I laid my problem in God’s hand but took it back from Him. That took a while to understand. So run that scenario again, I yelled at my husband and then go pray that our marriage would get better then stop fighting for my right because God is suppose to be taking care of it. (Insert nails on chalk board) This is the most infuriating moments. Trying to hold back my will and let God take care of things.
I believe in God, I believe God is involved in my life, I just WANT CONTROL. What if God lets him have the affair? what if I have to deal in this confusing mess of a marriage for YEARS? what if it doesn’t turn out like I want?
Then that isn’t the end of it. So I have to lay my problems in God’s hand and not take them back. Then the next step is to make progress I need to follow God’s commands. I’m starting, very very slowly.
To understand this I will give an example. I want to Give my problem to my Mother.
“Dear mother I am broke all the time,” I pull my last five dollars from my pocket and show it to her.
Mother, “I care for you and will help you.”
“Thank you mother,” lay last $5 in Mothers out stretched hand…30 minutes later, “Mother can I have my money back I NEEEED coffee, the kids are driving me crazy”.
Mother, “No, you need to only buy necessities, put excess in the savings account, and priorities your wants and needs”.
“UGH you are so mean!!!” Me laying on the floor dying.
Mother,” I thought you wanted me to help”.
“Yes, but you are suppose to make it easy!!”
I would not talk to my mother that way on the fear of being disowned, but it seems like I tread God that way. I want him to fix it without much work on my part. Putting that to action seems so <HARD>.
This is my list of things I have been meditating on. Some are going better than others, and I wish I had Bible verse to them but I don’t:
- I need to view my husband as a human that could fall into hell just as we all can. I need to be more concerned with our eternal destination that my temporal comfort.
- I need to speak and act respectfully, even if we disagree.
- I need to treat him well if not for him, as worship to God and as a example for the kids.
- i need not to yell, ever, to anyone. There are better ways to express my feelings.
- I need to accept good from him. Lately my husband has offered good things such as talking, sitting together, reading together, that I don’t want to accept just because he had been such a brute this last year. I want him not to remember me for my yelling and overreacting (Stop Overreacting by Judith P. Siegel another good book to read if you are battling similar marriage issues). I want him to appreciate the good I am trying to produce now. I’m sure he wants the same.
- I need to construct healthy boundaries. He may have disrespected me but I allowed it in a lot of cases. There is merit in the idea that abusive people marry easy to abuse people. Not that they think that through, But I see it looking back now. My husband wanted to be in charge and served. I wanted to be submissive and pleasing. He liked that I didn’t judge his every mistake and I like that he seemed to need me. After we got married it shifted to I needed to do everything not for him but because it was all my fault. He married me because I was easy, I married him because I wanted to feel wanted. Its easy to say IT’S HIM! HIS ATTITUDE IS WRONG but neither were healthy. I need to be able to ask for respect, help around the house, and express my feelings without fear and he needs not to rest his guilt and responsibilities on me. Really we were the same amount of wrong at different ends of the scale. (I’m just starting Boundaries by Henry Cloud. I hope to learn lots)
But I gave my marriage to God 8 days ago? I feel better already. I had held on to my anger and feelings of entitlement. I needed justice for the crazy my husband had brought to me. I clinched on to that for a year. Giving it to God is really really hard, and it seems stupid. It’s too easy to say all the issues are with the other person. It’s too easy to claim no fault or that all my outburst and wrong doing were for good reasons. I really need to take this opportunity (HA! see? my marriage floundering is an opportunity) to grow in my faith in God’s design.