Yesterday was the first day in months that we didn’t fight. I feel like researching God’s view on us as people helped my perspective, as did the Pure Life website. Not that he has had an affair or really on ongoing infidelity. But he has the habits of an addict.
A friend has told me I should go to the Al-anon group. That I would learn listening to the others deal with their addicts. No matter their substance they seem to have the same sort of ways of trying to hide or rid their minds of guilt. Their actions can cause more pain than the original Whatever they are addicted to.
Anyway. Hooray we didn’t fight for one entire day. Doesn’t matter we are kicking each others teeth out today, yesterday was a win. And it isn’t his fault, really. To be fair, he is also writing his “what the hell happened to us in the last 10 years” memoir (I posted mine on the blog under “the long story of my goals”) and I have been reading it. It is refreshing to hear him think about it. It’s comforting to see him take up some of the blame. I have been very happy with the progress. Then this sliver… of poison ivy apparently, that I could not leave alone. It bothered my brain and I knew I should walk away and not say anything. Did I? No.
He remembers one of our early, early fights. I had dressed up and expected to be beautiful to him. I expected to get hugs and kisses and him to offer his hand and want to be with me. To be proud I was his wife. Every women everywhere understands that. I know now that is a flawed expectation and that sometimes it does not work that way. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t think I or you are not pretty. Men are one though capacity sort of creatures. There are lot more he thinks of than us and we can not take up his thoughts as much as we would like. I presented myself to him for his approval all spiffed up, heart glowing, wanting to be his Disney princess. ‘Well, What do you think?’ which is a death trap because in all honesty he told me.
I don’t have his words exactly but I hope to post his memoir when he is through. I feel like it would be a great service to be able to post both sides of our fights. We will see. The jest was, I may not be pretty in the eyes of the world, but to him I was beautiful. .. … …(*wife sucking power from the earth to scorn the man of such confusing words*)
WHAT? then his expectations came through, he thought he had spoke a hard truth. He wanted me to grasp his arm and walk side and side with him, thrilled such a man would be so lovingly to explain the world to me. Neither of us got we wanted that day cause it followed with me asking what that meant and he explained to me I was “chubby”.
Fast forward back to today. He wrote it as if he had done a great service and I was just blind. Buddy. Husband. Dude I married. Explain this to me. If I come to you and say your nose is not pretty in the eyes of the world, but to me it is very handsome, you are going to be very curious of what I mean and why I could not just say I think you are handsome.
I left mad. I needed to go to the grocery store anyway but I am going to take my time. He has said this many times over the years. Several times this year. My face and shoulders are nice, my legs are okay, it’s my middle that’s the stickler.
I know he wants me to understand this and feel loving towards him. Respectful of his thoughts. Why does it make me feel so hurt? Why does he feel so inclined to straighten this out in my mind?
I feel compared. I feel like he says I am not pretty in the worlds view. What exactly is my husband definition of the world view? Why do i feel like its his statement of a suffering servant? The world doesn’t take me as pretty but he will. It may be hard but he will.
Writing these things down makes me see how silly of fight it was. It doesn’t matter. he said I was pretty to him. I feel like there is manipulation there. Probably more to the idea has to make me feel small to feel big which is one of his common manipulations than I’m so ugly he is just a saint to look at me.
Not much of the post today is about the fruit of the Spirit but I still need to look it up for my own meditation:
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
well. huh. I’m pretty sure this post is not showing any of these in myself. I need to think about this.