A bitter, hard heart is a dangerous slope and I don’t know how to get off.

If it’s possible, my attitude has gotten worse.

I feel like I know who I want to be. I want to follow God and be a light. Be love in a world of hate, love those undeserving. Everyone except my husband. He needs punished for every sin he has incurs against our marriage.

If I could just disconnect from him. but I can’t. we sleep in the same bed and I keep hoping there will be a spark. there never is. Like two months ago he out of no where spooned against me and immediately judged it as wrong and turned back over.  He wanted me to state my approval within the 15 seconds he  risked his thoughts- and I don’t think it is anything more than he wants me to beg. He wanted me to flip around and go ,”no wait, I wanted to be held!” And then he would have had some drama about how ,oh, if he has to, for the good of MY neeeeeeeeeds. Cause he couldn’t ever let it slip that maybe he wants affection….

If I could just disconnect. I want adventure so badly. Once a week he promises to go out. I get the feeling he promises so he doesn’t have to talk to me because we will just talk when we go out this weekend!! Then I get all pumped up or had been getting so. We have never had a dating life after we became marriage and I was SERIOUSLY excited. But they all fall through. “let’s go to the concert this Friday!”, Friday comes and we go no where. Lets go out together Saturday-I’ll call my mom to watch the kids… Saturday comes and now, after a week of hoping, oh-my mom couldn’t watch the kids.

Let’s play a game. No game. Lets watch a movie. No movie. If I could just disconnect. Tell him off. I tell him he needs follow through. It isn’t fair to get my hopes up and then not deliver. If someone did this to him he would be irate. Like the night I said I would preform oral. I had been begging to out on a date and he kept saying, “oh, yeah sure,” and then it never would happen. So I planned one for him.  Even though he was being rude to me I wanted to love on him. Part of it was I would give him oral. Then I had an emotional evening and cried for an hour. I realize I was trying so hard for this boy that doesn’t give one scrap of care to me! I Cried. I begged to give me an IOU. I was just tired. I would have oral with him in the morning. NO. I had said I would preform oral so I was going to preform oral. He took a shower and I fell asleep haphazardly on the side of the bed. He woke me up and the oral even though I begged not to, happened. The next day I expressed I felt broken when he didn’t have mercy for my sad heart. He expressed how I didn’t have any footing to complain. I had said I would and it would have been a terrible sin to go back on my word.

If I could just disconnect. I stay at home with the kids. My marriage might as well be in the washing machine of my head. It just goes round and round.  I try to stay neutral and just do what I am suppose to do. If not with a happy heart at least with a happy attitude. But then he leaves me alone!! As soon as I act and do what I am suppose to he spends time with friends, he does his own projects, he swims with the kids. If I try to happily tell him how I feel-alone, unloved, and upset he treats me like a chore. So I go back and forth. I try to hold it together. I express that it would really really help me if we could just talk about our marriage daily. Then he talks to me as if I’m a problem. Why are you angry, what do you feel, why do I feel that way….Then I have trouble holding it together and everything explodes. I understand that he has expectation that I am suppose to be respectful of but he does NOT seem to think the same of my expectations. I express maybe it would be fun to talk about our marriage. Surely there is something you want from our marriage? (crickets) So I try to continue on. Don’t do it for my husband. The little angel on my shoulder says do all things as if for the Lord. But that angel is getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller, and smaller.

He is making strides. He apologizes ALL THE FREAKING TIME.  it drives me batty. Every time he opens his mouth he says he’s sorry. growl/sigh. Fine. This is good. For the first time ever I think he is figuring out his actions have had consequences. He secretly hated me for this house, for our cars, for being pregnant, for being fat…. things I didn’t know until we exploded last year. I just knew he felt cold and distant about everything. Up until April of 2016 I have TRIED extremely hard to be a good wife.

Do all the chores, go to work, pay the bills, take care of the kids, BE QUIET was a big one with him. I did everything but take out the trash except when he forgot. Then I got fed up with it. This is the part of the story that I don’t understand what God wanted me to do.

I was trying to love him when he wasn’t acting lovable. Did I sin by giving up on Gods ways? I don’t know. I don’t know what I was suppose to do. I let my expectations and emotions  over power my ability to act like God wanted me to. I. Don’t. Know. How. To. Disconnect. I tell myself I need to act different while I fight with him and I can feel the snap. I just want him to suffer. I yell, I cuss, I break. why should I care? It doesn’t matter how I act he will treat me like I don’t matter…two weeks ago we fought and I expressed that I was so mad. This last year was terrifying! He was uncommitted. He manipulated and brunt us. would it be sooo terrible to show commitment to our marriage by just talking to me daily? Not about the kids, or the house, or work. We just need to talk about us daily for awhile. Ignoring that we are both still hurt is not helping. Sure, sure, sure he agrees. Did it happen? No.

So I waited. I want him to show some commitment to our marriage. does he? No. So now I’m upset. I asked again for the 5 time in this 6 month period to talk to us on a daily bases to help me heal from the debacle of last year and he will not talk to me. I don’t want to go to him and ask, he will treat me like I neeeeeed something and he is being self sacrificial or that I’m a giant pain. He explains to me how I’m wrong. he explains to me how I missed that he did talk to me. which isn’t the truth, he will lie about everything. Like how we finally had a productive conversation that I felt heard about his porn habit. He has done porn since he was 12. He had porn on MY computer before we had been married for 3 months, he quite school cause he was just doing porn at class, he had a job for 8 years that he did porn on the computers at work and I was beyond worried that he was going to get caught and be unemployable. We had this conversation about how it hurt me and how porn made him act different. It was the most connected conversation. I felt so close to him. We got up from the conversation had he said he was glad for the conversation but looking back he wasn’t sure he ever did porn.  toss everything out the window. Here I have been asking for him to just talk to me. Sit, talk to me about where we are. How is your accountability group? Are you feeling alright in the marriage still? Is there growth? would you like to go do anything to build into this? and his reaction is to say That happened wife, you apparently missed it!  I snapped and I smacked him. Then we fought physically. It was just holding on to my frustration everyday. Trying to act responsible. Try to care for him and he will not repay the gesture. I expressed my heart that I didn’t feel talked to- not even Connected with, I cant expect that at this level.  And his answer felt disrespectful. Like telling my kids to pick up their room, you look in their room and its still a disaster so you ask again and the child says I already did it MOM.

I shouldn’t have crossed that line. But I did. He doesn’t pay attention to me. He doesn’t want to do anything with me. He doesn’t want sex even though he is a sex addict. He doesn’t want to date even though he wants a spark with someone else and he will take her on dates when he finds her. he doesn’t want to talk with me. He doesn’t accept an minuscule bit of inconvenience from me and I felt hopeless. It feels like climbing a mountain. To get him to do anything for me I will have to act Stepford wife perfect for 6  months. Then ask my requests in honor, respect, and quiet and then have a 50-50 on being shot down just on how he feels. Crap with that, I’m never gonna get what I expected from a marriage. beat the hell out of him.

I ripped his shirt, I pushed him into the couch. he grabbed my arms to keep me away from him and crushed me into the ground. I tried to come again kicking at him and he grabbed me again making me feel powerless. I smacked him in the face and he turned me around and kicked at me. Something about that I cant get over. he didn’t have to kick at me.  I fell so his kick missed, but I never understand. I fight him because he is so frustrating. How can men not see that. I will tell him dating sites hurt me and he will tell me I’m stupid because he doesn’t want yelled at. I fight with him because I feel hopeless and he kicks at me cause he doesn’t want fought with. I don’t know I need to think about it some more. Serves me right for starting a fight. I hurt for two days after that and have been struggling to type on the computer because my arms hurt. I’m sure he didn’t hurt two days later, all I did was cause him inconvenience that day and my own pain.

but he expressed hate that we fought. That he was angry that our relationship had deteriorated this badly. So you know what happened?! We went out on a date! how stupid. How does a person get what they want? throw a giant tantrum, that’s how. The kids had cbs 6:30 to 8:30 his mom watched the baby. we went to a little town bar ate hamburgers and played keno. It felt like a bittersweet win. My hand that use to hold his  slapped his face and the hands that use to hold my crushed me into the floor….I don’t know if that is ever going to be okay again.

I regret acting terribly. I’ve been trying to act as calmly as I know how. I grew up in a yelling family and was really trying to beat that habit. When I would yell I would try to apologize and make him a better dinner than usual and tell him how stupid that my outburst was. ‘Cause yelling is just another form of manipulation. I am trying to force my way by causing fear. It didn’t work when my brothers and I were kids and it doesn’t work in my family either. I just need to give up on it.

But he is changing. He is different from all the marriage classes. He has become a more involved father. He has been helping with the chores. I haven’t mowed the grass once this year, and he is taking care of the garden after I said I did not have the spirit to plant one after all the fighting. He is planning to make loft beds for the kids which is completely unexpected that he would build anything. He build chairs for camping too and I don’t know that man.

But he isn’t changing on our level yet. He still treats me like a person that works in his house that raises kids for him. I might as well be the nanny. It makes me jealous. He has remarkable ideas for the kids. He is out camping with my son right now. but he doesn’t know what he wants for me. He has fantasies about other girls, he would give up anything for a bout of porn, but nothing for me.

We met together and wrote expectations and things we want in our marriage. It’s stuck to our fridge. I mean I want what everyone wants, love and respect. I wanted him to actually listen to me. I don’t want him to toss all my thoughts out as absurd- which happens every 6 second. I can not say anything with out him judging it. I will tell him that his brother left their kids sippy cup here and he will have to review the information and look at the cup. I tell him their is no money in the bank and he will have to check. I tell him the neighbor’s cats in our yard and he won’t believe me.

Which makes everyone go, well you must have had been a lair. No that is not my sin. I can lie for exactly 23 seconds before I break out in a cold sweat and splurt like an infant. He doesn’t trust anyone but himself. I can ask him anything and he will have to rejudge and put his own spin on it.

Back to the expectations list. Divorce is needed before seeking new girlfriend, dating site, flirt buddy… (right?!) communication, help without being treated like a burden.

 

Also to be friends. Never in my wildest thoughts did I think my marriage would be this sterile. I had thought while we were dating even when we had bumps that we were not madly infatuated with each other we knew how to have a good time. He use to be my best friend. we did everything together. we went to movies every weekend. Went to the coffee house. had friends over to his apartment and grilled. that stopped the second we became married.

I always assumed we would have a good dating life and sex. How is he addicted to porn and fantasies about other women in his life and he will not even talk about sex with me?

I have purchases sex books, lingerie, I have opened up about my thoughts and he never has anything to say. He turns me down quiet often or acts like he doesn’t want sex but if i do he will selflessly help. He can’t even say the word sex about us. He will talk about sex about him and others but not about me and him. He says in the weakest voice ever ‘make love’. Then he treats me like some 80 year old grandmother. ………!

We will go years without sex. He will not state he wants or needs sex and expects me to request it from him. But I refuse. He has just had a season of infatuation with other women, dating sites, etc. It would be nice to know that he has some desire or need for us. We took a vaca to a giant farmers market last year and it was full of football fans. college girls wearing close to nothing and he said, even if he could rip his eyes out he would still have them in his head.

He doesn’t ever say anything like that to me. I’m always MEH. I just want to pop his head off. I mean, come on. He could have some sort of sex with me even if I’m not his perfect body size OR he can have his hand and fantasize about women that would probably mace him in the face if they knew he was masturbating to them. YEAH SO, my attitude is getting worse and I don’t know what I am suppose to do.

This isn’t what God wants me to act like but I am SOOO MAD. any one with some suggestions how to get back on track???

 

Advertisements
A bitter, hard heart is a dangerous slope and I don’t know how to get off.

That did NOT help

So I aired my feelings to my husband that I don’t understand marriage anymore. I know we have to get along but what is the point? I am committed to being committed. Most of it is choosing to do the right thing even though I am not found of him right now.

I spoke my thoughts last night to him and he came back with a response this morning. A husbands job is to love his wife like Christ loved the church. As in a way to bring purification to the wife. Sigh…..what is that suppose to mean? I feel like that is taken out of contents from what scripture meant. I felt so alone listening to him. I feel like he wants my attention so he tries to say the wisest thing he can think of and that was it. Now I wait to see what it looks like to have a husband try to purify his wife….great.

I didn’t say this to him but I may also be struggling with depression. I have hated everything since before I started this blog. I know it’s rooted in my disappointment of my marriage.

My husband is happy that I am not constantly mad but his try is sooooo fake. Like this. I told him I don’t understand marriage, so he comes back with the most righteous and what he would assume a Godly women would be in awe of. I think he is really trying to knock my socks off by being over the top which I take as fake, that he isn’t truly try to solve our issues, and lying to a point. Especially when he doesn’t seem to understand what he is saying. I don’t want someone to impress me with facades, smoke, and mirrors. I want a genuine man. That doesn’t lie, doesn’t pretend to be something he’s not, does not  use pretty words to make things better than they are. I am not in a bad place but I find myself wanting a different husband. I can’t even explain what is wrong with this one.

That did NOT help

Who is he?

A wife is a help-mate. Meaning to help the man’s life along. then who is a husband? A protector? A ….? A what? I don’t think I understand any more.

I feel like I knew what my job was when I started this marriage and was full of energy to accomplish it. Now I don’t know. I am suppose to be a help mate to him. I clean his house, I keep his books, I’m available to rid his lusts, I will listen if he wants, and I will do what he asks in most cases. I don’t feel like I have any more to give that that.

Then what is he to me? I feel like the promise I saw in him before where lies. What is the purpose of a husband besides to have children? nothing? He gave me kids and the got rid of my lust to have babies. There. He provides for our family. He fathers the kids.  … and that is marriage.

Some how that feels like there should be more and there just isn’t. I need to think more about this. What is a Godly husband suppose to be?

Who is he?

Protecting each other

Today is my husband and I’s Anniversary. It seems more victorious than normal. By all means we should not have made it. I couldn’t handle his lust for other women or the lies and craziness that he tried to cover his tracks with. On the same idea though, my husband was dealing with great guilt and habits he had never let go off before and I did not respect him. I yelled and threw things and told him how very much I HATED HIM.

20f5776d12f75e44788fe6fce0113485.1500

My understanding has grown and we’ve started to refer to these careless actions as strangling the others plant. Example, if my husband gets caught in something he feels ashamed for he will turn the guilt on to me. A couple weeks ago he had said we would go out on a date and to be truthful I was very excited. When the weekend came I had plans with my cousins on Friday and expected to go out with my husband that Saturday. Except he had not actually planned anything. He might have forgotten, but instead of quick slapping something together he turned it around. If  I  had not gone out on Friday, maybe his plans would not be ruined! In truth it had nothing to do with that and in the past I would have sat down with him and tried to figure out how I missed his heart.

This time I cut him off. No, he could not treat me that way. My emotions, my person is represented as a plant. Alive, unique, and fragile. Regardless of how I act my plant should be protected by a distance of things that are inappropriate to do-ever, but sometimes people believe if they are wronged well enough or things are not going the way they want it is okay to take the dome off the plant and strangle it to get the results wanted. My husband believe he could half-lie to me and manipulate the situation to be my fault to hide his guilt that he had not done what he said he would. That should never be alright. Those are actions that the dome around the plant should protect from, but he will often hurt my plant if it means protecting his own from shame of his own failure.

Another example. Any time my husband has acted unloving to me I ruin him because he deserves it. My husband came to me a couple days ago and explained to me that he ran into temptation at work and dealt with it instead of falling into it. He was so excited and victorious to be growing. I on the other hand, felt like my head slowly twisted 360°. What temptation? Another women? I geared up to fight. In the past I would have taken the protective dome off his plant because he needed to understand my pain. I would yell because that is what I grew up with. That was the best way to get any point across-yell louder. I cut him down because it’s the truth! I say mean things because he is being mean to me. I don’t respond to his attempts at peace because he has not done enough time in marriage purgatory to pay for his sin of unlove. This time  I understood the anger inside of me and went to the gym. I was so mad. He saw another women that tempted his affections but he barely gives any affections to me? I was heartbroken. I fumed on the tread miller. I went home still mad. Turns out the temptation was a magazine cover that he didn’t flip through. Stupid. I had imagined the worst and his comment was over a magazine. If I could slow my anger even more I would have been able to ask before I went to the gym.

But my temptation is to treat my husband with disrespect when he deserves it. He is made in the image of God. There is a bible verse in Jude1:9 about the archangel Michael disputing with Satan over Moses body and Michael does not disrespect Satan. Get it? Satan is not treated by God’s angels with disrespect. My husband is a son of God saved by Jesus. He never deserves disrespect. His soul(plant) needs to be treated with absolute respect in ever event. If he comes home next week and tells me he has had sex with his customer I need to have respect in my responds. I can be broken and sad. I can be angry but cannot sin in it. I can request and question but cannot name call or blame. I cannot yell. I cannot destroy his character.

Then what can I do? I can pray. I can get out of the house. I can find Christian fellowship. I can journal. I am still 100% myself. Write a list of how I believe I should act because a lot of times I am not proud of my actions after we fight. It’s better to make a clear least of how I believe I should act before entering into a conversation that tempts me to be disrespectful. Read. I can express my feelings quietly with truth. Anger is not a root emotion. Express sadness, express hurt, express injustice. write my expectations and how he deviated from it. I need to be able to affect his souls without violence, lies, emotional abuse, or yelling. The dome needs to stay firmly over his soul (plant).

These things are not easy for me. I hope in years I will be a better example of how to treat everyone with absolute respect. Please share your marriage stories with me! I would love to hear how everyone else is doing in keeping their vows to their spouse. Its ridiculously hard sometimes and we all need to stick together.

 

Protecting each other

Continuation of the Angry Button.

I’ve spent a couple days mulling over my angry button. I am starting to lean to the idea he can ask me to be skinner. If you did not read the last post here is a quick review: I don’t like my body is inadequate for my husband, I want him to like looking at me. So I am going to hash it out some more.

Men are different than women. He is 5’5,  over weight, his hair is terrible, he sports some raging eyebrows, and has fuzz all over his body. I have never viewed him as ugly. We got married when, I believe, he was at his heaviest. Almost 300 lbs he had hair just past shoulder length, chipmunk cheeks, and a funny walk. But he was my husband. I had a husband and he was connected to me, he was mine and I thought the world of him. He would have to pick up his stomach and lay it on me to do missionary- and I never thought that was awful, I KNEW it would be awful if I shamed him over it so I didn’t.

I am starting to believe he is ugly after seeing his heart this last year. After he manipulated and forced and tried to fool me to get out of fights or commitments… I have no words. I’m broken over it. Why would my husband be so mean to me? He admits he was mean now that the fight is mostly over. Before this bitter war hiss shoulders were sexy cause I could lay my head there. His beard stubbed neck was handsome because I would nestle there when we hugged. His mouth was defined for how he said my name. His hair was soft and he purred with I twisted my hands in it. His body was perfect because he used it as a lover to me. Then this year he used his arms to confine me. He used his mouth to say my name like it was curses from a pit of infection. He used his body to make mine bled. I am different from my husband I thought he was lovely because I thought his heart was lovely.

Men are different. they place more value on the visual. He sits down to dinner and complements what is seen before him. He can’t find things that he cannot see. If its covered up or in a drawer the man is freaking lost. He see chores that are out like mowing, but misses hidden ones like paying bills. One things my husband  uses is a mile marker is if I smile and how long I smiled and what kind of smiles. That sounds corny but he will.  If we talk he will say I saw a lovely smile because I cleaned the drain, or I don’t know what happened I caught a mischievous smile in the hallway earlier. He does not judge my words. I can tell him over and over I HATE THAT YOU DO X, but if he thinks I smiled about X he will re-question if my words were sincere. I do believe Men are visual.

So here is what I’m coping with (deep breath). He can ask me to be skinner. He is not ill willed but selfish. His world is visual and our society is very tempting. He has had a habit of looking at models daily. I pray God is working on his heart because even if I’m skinner and dressed better 50 is coming and I am not doing Botox till I die. He is gonna have to be content at some point. Thus being said. I want his heart to change. I am not ill willed but selfish. My world is heart driven and our society is very lacking. Women can’t seem to find a good man anywhere. All the men are falling into temptation. There are so few that say no. I want him to be able to say no to temptations dripping in honey. I want him to be truthful. I want him to fight for the injustices of others, be selfless and sacrificial. I want him to change not just for now but till he dies. I want him to be committed to me as his wife. I want him to give up his selfish living and just try out a marriage of teamwork and jointly won fights.

Women think it is horrible for a man to ask us to tweak our visual appeal, but a man takes it deeply that we do not appreciate the person they are.  Most women understand self help and a need to keep improving the person inside, men take this harder. This helps me. He has told me several times I have a nice face, good shoulders, nice legs, but the middle is just not the best right now. This infuriates me. I just had a third  human crawl out of my stomach just over a year ago!! Of course it kinda looks like an empty hacky-sack! Growl! Bark! Scratch! But he does the same. I can tell him he’s a good dad, I’m glad he does a good job at work, he just sucks at solving problems at home which I feel is reasonable to say-because its true. !! he’s thinking the same thing!! Its reasonable to tell me I’m fat because its true. So I joined a gym yesterday. The button is not gone but I’m working on it.

 

Continuation of the Angry Button.

This particular button

I had reread my ‘Fine.Whatever’ post and became frustrated with it. That post sounded weak. My husband typed something insignificant and it made me deeply angry. I had  read a book early in our fight last year called, “From Anger to Intimacy” by Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham. It talked about buttons that initiate anger in others or yourself. I came to the decision the last post really was not about the issue of what my husband said. It was a button he was touching. A button that I am not attractive to him. A button that makes me feel rejected and unwanted.

 

Today I want to examine this button. I didn’t have it till I was married. I had always said my goal was to eat whatever I wanted because I was going to be whomever i wanted. I dressed how I wanted, I never cared what others thought I looked like and I loved the person I was inside. Then my husband and I got married and he rejected me or I felt that he rejected me. Thus my fear of being unattractive to my lover is born. I’m coming to terms with the idea he does not feel like he rejected me. He had a habit of porn. He did not appreciate our sex, he panicked that he was no longer a bachelor and tried to revive those feelings with dating sites and fantasizing of others. He views those things as selfish unaware actions. He viewed me as his best friend and his statement is he would never never get a divorce, he wanted me in the marriage- he just wanted everything else too.

 

To me that made me feel rejected, unwanted, used, dirty, and ugly- and he agrees if I had done porn, dating sites, and telling him about my fantasies of other people to him he would have felt the same. Thus bore the button. A dangerous button that I might be obsessed with. My husband cannot talk about any woman without my ears perking and all my gears in my brain slowing to focus. The message must be deciphered. Is he stating she is more attractive than me? He cannot say nice things without me wondering if there is alternative motive. Or but…you would look nicer if…  How did this button get so important? It was born out of carelessness but  fed by my husband’s actions and inaction. I often found him looking at other women but he also never talked about us. He didn’t say how he was attracted to me or what my value was in his life.

Also we did not have a sex life. I felt like this was a huge part. Here I am married to a porn addict. He is looking at dating sites, he is flipping around in the isle of Walmart to look at some other lady and we have no sex life. Isn’t he craving sex at every turn but yet I lay barely clothed in bed and he won’t do anything with me? Before we were married we had a fantastic relationship. We went out to movies, did our college homework together, cooked together, saw friends together, and rocked the bed in every way but sex. We had both agreed to save sex for marriage but we were pressing up against that line pretty hard. And we didn’t just rock the bed, we rocked the back of the car, the floor, the couch, etc. Every time everybody else left we would have “coffee” the code word for naked time. He never minded my body then. We laughed and tried anything together and I had no fear of rejection.

A couple days ago we were talking about this I don’t have any idea why we had such a good dating life then the minute we said vows it turned into such a mechanical monster. He agreed to think more about it, he says he doesn’t understand it either. I can make speculations, but there are so many things I don’t understand on his side yet. It has to have something to do with how broken his mind was about sex. So in this conversation a couple days ago he said something that has had me thinking. Our sex life was terrible. I bet we hadn’t had sex 20 times until we had been married for 5 years. Why when he was craving it so hard would he have nothing to do with me? Which is not the way I worded it to him, I asked him why didn’t he find me attractive? He use to get in the shower and masturbate to other women and then get out and tell me about these women in his head and how frustrated he was that he could not deal with this habit! It was infuriating to my brain, my wife brain exploded. Why were those other women so much more attractive to him? I ask him this. He studders and shrugs, he struggles and says that he didn’t always masturbate over other women, sometimes about me. I had never never never thought this. Never.

He had always explained his actions as guilt. He often. OFTEN, told me about his masturbation or porn, etc  to confess his guilt. He felt guilty and would admit to me his wrong-doings and then do the same thing the next day. I sunk, I felt worthless, I felt raw, I felt alone, I felt angry. Maybe if he confessed and changed his ways I would have felt differently or maybe not felt these emotions so deeply, but he confessed as a way to empty the icky feelings out of his hands, squarely dumping the icky feelings into my lap so he could skip away sin free. The worse feeling was the angry, which he never allowed. The anger was sin, here he was confessing to me and for me to be angry at him was misplaced. That made me feel confused, frustrated and more angry. It was not until we went to Retrouvaille this last August that he finally understood that I needed to be able to communicate my feelings, even my anger.

But if I forget the injustice brought to me for awhile I am starting to see maybe this was an out of control hamster wheel for him. He did have a habit that started when he was 12. He did have porn expectations for sex that are as ridiculous as women having Disney princess expectations for marriage. Of course your man will sense all your deepest feelings then  lead you to a happier understand of them and of course know how to dance. And your women will always eagerly have 20 minute worth of hard sex with you that starts with a blow job and ends with cum all over her face. This is not reality. He didn’t know how to cope with life. Every time anything went badly he masturbated. If we disagreed, if he felt he failed. It was a simple way for him to feel good again. He never had to come to me and ask for sex, he never had to practice relationship skills. He never risked anything. Maybe he did like us. Maybe he did find me attractive, but to have sex is a hard thing to navigate. He didn’t want to give up that control. He also masturbated and watched porn like a smoker. You know how a smoker have to have a cigarette as soon as they hit certain events in their day. Breakfast, in the car, every break, every time they arrive somewhere or leave somewhere, etc. I now believe my husband was the same way. Before we had married he had chosen not to have a computer at his house but had porn at the computers at school. He had porn at the computers at work. I hate to say I understand but I might to an extent. If I need to file taxes or be working on my bank statement but I want to look up a craft or cook something the idea of getting on Pinterest itches inside my head. I can justify it in a million different ways. A quick search will only take a second, no a fraction of a second. He had certain places and situations the habit was so ingrained he had a hard time not being sexual without me.

So my button. I get angry when I feel that I am being told, it is being applied, or I can assume that I unattractive to my husband. It was born from my husband selfish motives. It was cultivated with thoughtless inaction and painful actions between us. Why does it have to matter any more?  I have never believe that my appearance should be who I am. I am an artistic person. I am a problem solver. I am a mother. I aim to be a teacher to those kids.I hope to be a nurturer again, that parts kind of broke right now. I feel like I am a fun person. I want to better other people’s lives, I want to add to people’s understanding of God. I have goals, standards and structure to my days. I believe firmly in my king and savior Jesus Christ. I believe Lord God is a good father. That matters. So I have stretch marks and I weight 170? In front of no-one do I feel fat. I have a pooch when I sit, but I feel unphased by anyone else s eyes. It matters that I be attractive to my husband lusts. I feel like a part of marriage is to cool each others lusts and neither of us have either done that for each other. I always go hungry and he always is pining after porn and women outside of us. Should he be able to ask me to be thinner? It makes me think he has an appearance in my head he wants from me or doesn’t want for me. He should view me as an image bearer of God. The same thing I am to view him as. That he should only correct me in ways that bring more Godliness to me and my family. That’s unrealistic. We are all human sinners so maybe he should be able to ask me to be thinner, ugh.

Growl. I’m struggling with this, and probably will for awhile. What should he have done? What did I want him to do and expect from him: I wanted him to love me as who I am and what I look like regardless. To be happy I am his wife, flaws and all. I wanted him to communicate this to me in words and actions of pursuit.  But this didn’t happen. He isn’t happy with my body. My middle to be exact. I feel fine with my own middle. I’ve had three kids, one of them 15 months old. I feel like I didn’t do too bad. But he wants a model. I want to remain anonymous otherwise I would post pictures. I feel like I can rock it if I want and he is kinda being a bitch. What does he want? Everything. I don’t feel like is a mean comment. most  do want everything and the porn has taught people are things while the internet, tv, and movies has communicated that we should have everything. He wants someone to clean the house, teach the kids, mow the lawn, and a double D plastic trip model to stand at the end of the bed naked with a glass of wine to rub his feet while he masturbates because I think that is more fulfilling for him. If you don’t believe it look up affects of porn on this generation, its devastating. Or if you are a porn watcher answer this question- why after that guys screws the double D plastic trip model for 20 minutes (wouldn’t most men explode like after 20 seconds with some of those beautiful women making all those noises?) does he still have to orgasm himself with his own hand? he’s desensitized. He has had so much sex that is what it takes to finally get an orgasm. That’s messed up. I’m sorry, when I’m 80 I want my 80 year old partner to be able to say something dirty and me to be all revved up. I hope I’m simple till I die.

I may think about my button more tonight. It seems like lots of women have this button. I saw a post about how stupid it is this girlfriend is jealous the boyfriend looks at other women. The issue probably isn’t shes jealous, the issue is probably more she doesn’t understand her place in his life. She doesn’t feel him as committed and if he was actually committed he probably wouldn’t be looking. But I do think if without a double I knew my husband was acting for us, working to build us up, and striving for our family to grown I wouldn’t be as nervous he might have looked.

 

 

 

This particular button

Giving my problems to God

I’ve been journaling on my marriage woes since one week yesterday. I have to admit my thought was, our marriage healing would take years, and people need to understand how stupid hard this is. I’ve read and talk to other couples that have struggle through major marriage breaks. They all seem to say, ‘just do it’, ‘Forgive and move on’, ‘Give it to God’, and they all look …happy. Which is unbelievable to me. The one lady I spoke with, her husband had had two affairs that lasted years- But her and her husband seemed like a dream couple. My husband had thought over an affair and I feel like I’ve been shot.

The day he confessed it to me I blew up. Could not handle it. He said it was a customer and she had brushed up against him and it started the dreaming of having her in his bed. I could not understand. I know you are all reading rant after rant on this journal-blog thing thinking, yeah, he wants a different wife cause you are crazy. I really don’t act like I write. I feel like I am letting my deepest darkest thoughts out, because I wish I could find someone else doing the same. Spouting these same feeling so I wouldn’t feel crazy and demented. Maybe I will be that hope for someone else. Anyway. There were years that we had no sex. Years. I would go to bed with him naked and he would act on nothing. Those years I don’t know why I didn’t ask him for sex. I sure it was a hope he would show affection. He had said over and over how he was sexually obsessed with this girl I was friends with. He had porn and dating sites. He had spoke how he disliked my weight. I guess I hoped he would wanted me sexually, or at all.

But I still didn’t have to find out that he had been having sex with someone else for years. Those couples healed. On the idea of give it to God.  Raise of hands how many of you have any idea what that means? Anyone? Alright. I’ve wrestled, kicked, broke things over this one.

For awhile I would yell at my husband and then go pray that our marriage would get better then go yell at my husband some more. That did not seem to work. Although I would define that as I gave my problem to God. A friend told me that I laid my problem in God’s hand but took it back from Him. That took a while to understand. So run that scenario again, I yelled at my husband  and then go pray that our marriage would get better then stop fighting for my right because God is suppose to be taking care of it. (Insert nails on chalk board) This is the most infuriating moments. Trying to hold back my will and let God take care of things.

I believe in God, I believe God is involved in my life, I just WANT CONTROL. What if God lets him have the affair? what if I have to deal in this confusing mess of a marriage for YEARS? what if it doesn’t turn out like I want?

Then that isn’t the end of it. So I have to lay my problems in God’s hand and not take them back. Then the next step is to  make progress I need to follow God’s commands. I’m starting, very very slowly.

To understand this I will give an example. I want to Give my problem to my Mother.

“Dear mother I am broke all the time,” I pull my last five dollars from my pocket and show it to her.

Mother, “I care for you and will help you.”

“Thank you mother,” lay last $5 in Mothers out stretched hand…30 minutes later, “Mother can I have my money back I NEEEED coffee, the kids are driving me crazy”.

Mother, “No, you need to only buy necessities, put excess in the savings account, and priorities your wants and needs”.

“UGH you are so mean!!!” Me laying on the floor dying.

Mother,” I thought you wanted me to help”.

“Yes, but you are suppose to make it easy!!”

I would not talk to my mother that way on the fear of being disowned, but it seems like I tread God that way. I want him to fix it without much work on my part. Putting that to action seems so <HARD>.

This is my list of things I have been meditating on. Some are going better than others, and I wish I had Bible verse to them but I don’t:

  •  I need to view my husband as a human that could fall into hell just as we all can. I need to be more concerned with our eternal destination that my temporal comfort.
  • I need to speak and act respectfully, even if we disagree.
  • I need to treat him well if not for him, as worship to God and as a example for the kids.
  • i need not to yell, ever, to anyone. There are better ways to express my feelings.
  • I need to accept good from him. Lately my husband has offered good things such as talking, sitting together, reading together, that I don’t want to accept just because he had been such a brute this last year. I want him not to remember me for my yelling and overreacting (Stop Overreacting by Judith P. Siegel another good book to read if you are battling similar marriage issues). I want him to appreciate the good I am trying to produce now. I’m sure he wants the same.
  • I need to construct healthy boundaries. He may have disrespected me but I allowed it in a lot of cases. There is merit in the idea that abusive people marry easy to abuse people. Not that they think that through, But I see it looking back now. My husband wanted to be in charge and served. I wanted to be submissive and pleasing. He liked that I didn’t judge his every mistake and I like that he seemed to need me. After we got married it shifted to I needed to do everything not for him but because it was all my fault. He married me because I was easy, I married him because I wanted to feel wanted. Its easy to say IT’S HIM! HIS ATTITUDE IS WRONG but neither were healthy. I need to be able to ask for respect, help around the house, and express my feelings without fear and he needs not to rest his guilt and responsibilities on me. Really we were the same amount of wrong at different ends of the scale. (I’m just starting Boundaries by Henry Cloud. I hope to learn lots)

But I gave my marriage to God 8 days ago? I feel better already. I had held on to my anger and feelings of entitlement. I needed justice for the crazy my husband had brought to me. I clinched on to that for a year.  Giving it to God is really really hard, and it seems stupid. It’s too easy to say all the issues are with the other person. It’s too easy to claim no fault or that all my outburst and wrong doing were for good reasons. I really need to take this opportunity (HA! see? my marriage floundering is an opportunity) to grow in my faith in God’s design.

 

 

Giving my problems to God