I haven’t wrote for a while. I think that’s a good thing. Everything i had written here is angry. While I feel like I’m not done being angry, I might be getting close.
I couldn’t understand at the time but my marriage had just snapped and everything I had buried for a decade regurgitated onto this blog. Everything I had expected from my marriage, everything I wanted in a husband, everything I wanted to be as a wife, what i wanted my reality to be and maybe had been faking was reality- shifted. like my life took off a mask and what I had thought for so many years to be true, wasn’t. It’s probably normal to be devastated for a while.
And while my husband and I had a dot on our time line that we can say yes, on that day in April at this time our marriage broke, that really wasn’t it. Like people that have affairs you know that time and place when the spouse confessed or you found out about the affair. The room grows tighter, the lights heat up, and the world changes. But there was so much leading up to that 30 minute discussion we had that day in April.
For so many years he was disrespectful of everything and I never knew what it meant to respect others so I couldn’t put my finger on it. For so many years I didn’t know what emotional abuse was. I knew it didn’t feel right or pleasant when he did certain things but I didn’t know what should be different or how to confront him.
So not only have I spent this last year and a half angry that my marriage suddenly fractured but I have been learning some tough stuff. It’s not hard to learn respect. You don’t let people do things to you, you don’t want them to do. You don’t do or say mean things to others. You do what other people ask (when reasonable and safe). What is difficult is after you have lived a life as a rug that lets people disrespect you and act unloving when they feel like it, is to stand up for yourself. People don’t like that. that’s probably not worded right. People don’t want to face the guilt that maybe they have been treating others like crap for all their lives. And if you stand up to them that it is about time they stop (insert whatever it is) you are not just causing them to question themselves in that moment, you cause them to question every time they have ever acted that way EVER.
Where am I now? I am still mad. I don’t want to be, but I am. I’ve been to counseling, I read books, I journal, I try to tell myself its time not to be angry any more but my insides say they are still hurt. My husband betrayed me and I don’t believe in divorce and he isn’t asking for divorce. He want to work this out. He recommitted to us and has apologized enough to make me sick of hearing the word sorry. He will never put another women between him and I again, so he says.
But everyday is a battle. I will not stand for his old ways. He will not act disrespectful, he will not be unloving, he will not be emotionally abusive. We have three children together and he is teaching these things to the kids. It takes strength to stand up to a behavior someone has grown up with and challenge it. It’s tough for him too. He struggles why he shouldn’t act the ways he always has. He doesn’t seem to fight as much but he is just as stubborn on these subjects and I am. And some of them are tough. Like ‘you’ statements. It sounds very accusing to say you did that wrong. Maybe try to say I like it done this way. That’s a pretty weak example and I know somethings have to be let go and this seems like one of those fights. But he is a manipulated person. He will turn something completely his fault around so it looks like it was my fault and this is one way I am trying. We talk everyday about who we want to be and what we are doing wrong. I hate it. I feel like its a firm hand shake that we don’t like who we are or each other and we are just agreeing to be room mates that work together. That is never what I wanted for my marriage but I know its just a phase. I read somewhere that this stage in marriage takes 5 years. We started in April of 2015, we have three more years. Maybe the fact we are already at a firm hand shake that we don’t like each other but will work together means we are doing well.
I wanted to married before I was in kindergarten. I think most people do. You want that best friend that brightens your day and accepts your wrongs and then when you find out you can have a best friend that you do naked dirty things to you want that even more. I expected to be in love, to be romantic, and sparks to fly everywhere for at least the first few years. Then you want to have his children, you want to have adventures together. to build a home. But I feel like that time in my life is gone and it was a lie. My husband and I never got along like I thought marriage would be. We’ve never connected really. I planned vacations, we bought a house, we had babies and I believed the lie that it would bring us closer. Those things never did. And now my husband just got a vasectomy, it hasn’t been a month. I desperately wanted one more child. We talked about it, briefly, twice. I understand we just are not in a place any more babies. but the chance is done and over now and I don’t know how to place that feeling. That I will never be pregnant again. I understand he didn’t want any more, but I don’t see what it would have hurt to wait another year.
No one sits in math class in college dreaming about those days that you are in your thirties, you’re stuck in a mortgage that, you know the house is fine, you would like a better house, maybe the laundry wasn’t in the kitchen and you didn’t sleep in the basement but if you could just stay here for five more years and do work on what you have. While raising elementary age/preschool kids; you don’t go out, you don’t have friends, you don’t have extra cash because you want to pay bills, you don’t have sex because your husband looks at you and doesn’t even think of sex because you just finished a crazy day of kids feel like you are 80 and are frumpy fat and bloated and he never looked at a women of my condition and thought of sex. Really he is wearing his long black socks with his batman boxers. He lost 50 lbs a while back and his man stomach flap hangs over the front of his boxers by a good two inches. He hasn’t showered for three days because he would rather do more important things in the garage- which i don’t know what are because he doesn’t fix or make things in the garage he is just in there- than take the time out to be clean and he can’t stop talking about the crap he is gonna buy at the auction or just bought on the auction not because you need a slot machine or a apple dishes or a super heated toaster oven but he is proud of his finds that are going to sell for hundreds on eBay. That’s what made you swoon in your youth right? And the laundry/ dishes combo that NEVER ENDS.
So if the honey moon wasn’t over .7 sec after the wedding it is defiantly now. What do people do with that? The counselor just shrugged and said there are lots of loveless marriages. That makes me want to cry. I never wanted to be a loveless marriage. I never wanted to be disrespected and unloved. I never wanted to be in a marriage that the commitment to each other was shaken-ever. But that is now the reality. and neither of us are happy about it. If we don’t work hard to have something else this is what we will be stuck with. I want to make it through this marriage phase. With out being a total dragon, learning how to be a good wife again, while being a light to the others out there stuck in the same place. Help me God.